


Courtly Love

by cantletgo



Category: The Blacklist (TV)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Smut, Happiness and Cuddles, like literally so much fluff, start with the good because we ended with bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-22
Updated: 2016-06-19
Packaged: 2018-06-10 02:23:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 27,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6934303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cantletgo/pseuds/cantletgo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In this Lizzington fic, it's been many months since Elizabeth Keen has resurfaced from her death. Tom and Elizabeth have parted. Liz attempts to pick up the pieces of the disaster she left in the wake of her fake death. Raymond has stayed away for sometime, giving her space to find herself and her new life for her daughter Agnes. </p>
<p>But when the time comes for the two to reunite, they're relationship takes a romantic turn with Liz's new found confidence. Working through their new life as a couple and Red's insecurities, the two embark on a hard road towards a successful relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Distance

**Author's Note:**

> I'm skipping over what will most likely be Season 4A where Tom and Liz have their eventual parting so he can go off into his spin-off show. This is a Lizzington strong fic that's been influenced by many of the really positive Lizzington posts on Tumblr explaining the "intimate" relationship and ideal path I'd like it would take in 4B.
> 
> I'm also going to skip over the angst and slow burn of a Lizzington build up that the wake of season 3 most certainly left. I'd like to focus on the relationship instead of the hard and treacherous path it takes to get there!
> 
> The rating is Mature because I plan on writing some smut that I've been saving for too long that will hopefully get me through the summer hiatus. Chapter 1 however does not have said smut! I'll put a warning at the beginning for the chapters that do!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Red and Liz reunite after some distance and pain since Liz's faked death.

__

 

“I will never hurt you Lizzie or demand anything of you.”

Her back still faced him, unable to meet his pained expression.

“My devotion is as unconditional as it gets. I will always do all that is in my power to protect you, to make you happy.”

“Red…”

“And yet it seems that every attempt I’ve made has hurt you. My world is no place to raise a child Lizzie, I admit that, but…”

For once, Raymond Reddington fell silent. He had no words. He had no place to continue intruding in her life, it seems she had made her choice.

On some level Raymond always knew he could never be the one she laid with at night, the one she confided in, the one to raise a child with. He simply wasn’t worthy to fill that position. He would slip back into the shadows to protect her from afar. To pull strings she didn’t even know existed. Some fates, he supposed, are far worse than death. Like a dog wandering off to die alone in the woods, he turned to leave her room.

“You can’t just say something like that and leave. Give me time to respond, at least time to think.”

He wanted to run.

It’s better to confess and disconnect completely than stand around and hear the rejection. That’s why most people usually do it on their deathbeds. In a way he was, after such deception and rejection, he felt empty. He feared her response. He was vulnerable with her in a way he never was in the beginning. He no longer toyed and teased her, feeling the chemistry, the casual nature of the whole thing, because she had seen through him. Parts very few had stuck around to see.

But he couldn’t leave her, he never could. She was his strength, his Achilles heel, and his blind spot all wrapped into one.

He sat in the horribly upholstered chair of the temporary apartment she currently resided in. He crossed his legs, his arms, tilted his glance to the ground, anticipation seeping into his veins.

“I didn’t leave you Red, I had to make a decision that I thought would protect my child.”

Her voice was strained and rough around the edges. He knew surely there were accompanying tears. He fought the urge to stand and console her, staying quiet in his place.

“I was wrong…” She whispered. “But I’m not sure what’s right.”

“These decisions are-“ his words escaped him when she turned around. He’d seen that look before and knew all the emotion in encompassed.

“From the moment I woke up on that island I missed Agnes, more than I could describe. But I was prepared for that.”

Red’s face fell to the ground again. That was a decision she should never had been forced to make and he knows it. The blame and guilt weighed heavier on his shoulders, pushing him six feet under.

“What I wasn’t prepared for was missing you.” She was more confident in this admission.

“I know the pain I caused you and I’m so sorry. I understand why you’ve been keeping your distance from me.”

Confused, he looked up.

“You think I’ve been staying away from you because you’ve wounded me?”

She nodded.

“I’ve rarely encountered such devastation as great as the wake you left. With not only myself, but with your peers, friends, and loved ones. I can’t claim that pain as my own but I can claim the blame for that suffering. My world is what caused you to run. I’m what caused you to run.”

Her eyes grew bigger and her look more concerned. His eyes swung down to his scuffed and unmaintained shoes.

“I shot the gun Lizzie. I started this all. You deserve happiness raising your child. You deserve to hold Aggie’s hand while walking through the park.”

Memories of her midnight confessions for the future came rushing back, such hope and longing in her eyes.

“But I want to hold yours too.” Her words were barely above a whisper.

Red couldn’t be sure he heard her right. Surely his brain was playing a cruel trick on him, mixing dreams with reality again. He was stunned and still marveling the cheap carpet’s pattern.

“Red, did you hear me?”

She moved in closer and knelt down in front of him. Taking his hand in hers their eyes met.

Of course he loved her, his feelings ran deeper than anything he’d experienced. He’d never been able to articulate the extremely intimate and complex relationship that he had with Liz to anyone, let alone himself, but he didn’t need to question it. He knew what he felt. He wanted to hold her hand in that park too, he always had.

“You don’t mean that Elizabeth,” his words were measured and tentative.

“I do. I thought I would never see you again. I can’t rely on you alone. I can’t be this dependent and helpless shell. I need to be someone that can provide for Agnes and protect her.”

Red gripped her hand tightly and stared into her eyes, grasping her attention and conveying intense candor.

“You are the strongest person I’ve ever met Elizabeth. Do not sell yourself short and count yourself as anything less, do you understand?” He was stern but he needed to make sure she could see what he saw. What everyone saw.

“You’re proving my point without even meaning to.” She smiled.

“And what point is that?”

“Raymond, when I’m with you I’m the best version of myself. After being alone I’ve realized who I am and who I am without you.”

“Lizzie I didn’t make you strong. You were amazing before I entered your life. You always will be. I’m inconsequential.”

There was a silence. She was searching for something in his eyes and it only took a moment before she found it.

“Why do you hate yourself so much as to reject a chance at happiness?”

Stunned silence. Twice in one day, quite the feat. She had pulled apart all of his defenses and landed a blow to the very core of his problems. Lizzie the profiler was back in action.

“As you so astutely pointed out early in our relationships, I am a monster. How is anyone supposed to love that, let alone myself?”

His confession shocked her as well as himself. The words were out before he could give them a second thought.

Speaking from the heart is what people would call it, he thought.

“You hide yourself in intimidation and mystery, not because you are truly a monster but because you’re broken and you see it as a weakness. I couldn’t see that in the beginning but when I did...”

She paused, choosing her words carefully.

“I do love you Raymond.” She repeated those magical words that had stuck in his mind everyday since she left him.

“I know I am the last one on Earth that deserves your love.” He admitted. “But you are everything to me Lizzie.”

Her lips pressed against his cheek with a smile. His eyes closed, absorbing the affection. Then her lips started moving, leaving behind a trail of kisses toward her destination. Her lips met his briefly but tenderly. Her forehead pressed against his. Eyes still closed.

“You think you’re some Don Quixote. You’re not some delusional knight trying to do good and only leaving destruction in your wake. You’re not a monster Raymond Reddington.”

When he opened his eyes he found hers staring back into his. Sincerity and vulnerability swam and pooled together in her irises.

“I know I’ve hurt you, but I’m asking you to stop pushing me away. Let me in.” She pleaded.

Agnes’s cries broke the silence and the looks that said more than any words could. Red stood and straightened his jacket.

“Please, let me investigate.” He smiles warmly, happy to help.

“Okay,” she kissed him lightly once more and sent him on his way.

Aggie’s crib had been placed in the corner of the main room where she had been napping quietly since he had entered. Her cries were quieted when Red’s smiling face appeared over the white bars of her bed.

“Hello sweetheart,” he whispered.

Reaching his hand down he gently stroked her soft cheek, causing her to giggle with delight.

“Now what’s the problem? Anything I can fix?”

Picking her up, he inspected her diaper. Everything being in order, he deduced hunger to be the cause of her uproar.

“Lizzie, are you still nursing or have we moved to bottles?”

Walking towards the small kitchen, he searched the cabinets for formula.

“We” she smiled “have a bottle already made that I was going to feed her before her nap. Let me just get it ready.”

Liz went through the kitchen and began to prepare Aggie’s bottle while Red rocked her quietly in his arms. Enamored and captivated by this small child’s smile, she had him wrapped around her little finger. He whispered sweet things and her smile grew larger whenever his voice grumbled to an audible pitch. Red’s hand reached for the bottle as Lizzie approached.

“Please let me take care of it, I’m sure you’ve had a long day.” He couldn’t take his eyes off this beautiful little girl.

“How very domestic of you.”

“I’ve got many feathers in my cap Lizzie, surely you know that by now.”

“You never cease to amaze. I haven’t seen her this calm with anyone besides me. She’s practically beaming. Seems like you’ve stolen her heart too.”

Liz leaned against his back and rested her chin on his shoulder, looking down at her child happily feeding from her bottle. With one more kiss on Red’s cheek she sauntered away off to the bedroom causing his eyes to break Aggie’s endearing glance. Before she turned the corner into the bathroom she crossed her arms, grabbing the ends of her shirt, and lifted it over her head, discarding it carelessly to the ground.

“I’m not one to rush a good meal Aggie, but I must implore you finish this bottle a little quicker.” He smiled down at the baby, constantly looking up to see if any other articles of clothing had been removed.

 

__

 


	2. Dessert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Red and Lizzie's relationship develops and takes the next step. Red gets all domestic with Aggie. Questions of how to proceed with life, work, and love swim in Red's mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Major NSFW adult content ahead!
> 
> I think it's great that stories always build up to this moment, finally getting together, but then they stop because that was end game. I'd like to explore the complex road Liz and Red would have as a couple moving forward with The Blacklist. 
> 
> So let's start the meal with dessert.

Setting Agnes back down, she quickly settled into her crib and stayed silent. He knew what this meant, how long he had been waiting for this moment.

Maybe not _waiting_ , he thought, but hoping.

Like an impossible dream he knew could never happen, but the stars aligned and granted him a gift for which he felt he did not deserve. He was suddenly filled with anxiety, which hadn’t happened in a long while, not in the bedroom. He knew he was accomplished, knew how to satisfy, but Lizzie was different.

Lizzie wasn’t just one of the casual affairs he’d had while travelling the world and controlling his empire. She was different from everyone woman he’d ever been with, his feelings for her were everything and suddenly he wasn’t feeling up to the task of living up to his reputation.

He took one last look at Aggie, who was already drifting back to sleep, before taking off his tie. His fingers worked the knot and the soft silk slid out from around his neck smoothly. He popped the top button of his shirt and gripped the tie in his dominant hand. Taking off his hat and jacket, he placed them on the kitchen table. Game time.

 

 

Entering the room, he was pleasantly surprised. Spread out before him was Christmas, New Years, and birthday all wrapped into one. He approached her seriously, eyes locked on his target. He wasn’t about to mess this up. He would worship her like the Goddess she was. He would cherish and treasure her the way Tom never could and the way she always deserved.

Her eyes were closed with nervous anticipation as he traced one long finger up the inside of her leg. His mouth went to work on her neck, working its way down. Feeling her body tremble and respond to his slightest touch brought him more ecstasy than any drug or woman ever could. It was spiritual with her. The gravity of the situation wasn’t lost on him.

Two fingers were all it took to get her moaning. He seized the opportunity of her parted lips to silence her with a kiss, breathing her air. All the anticipation and excitement had her close as he toyed with her at the edge. She clawed at his back as he slid down, gripping her legs.

“Open your eyes Lizzie,” he murmured from below.

Groggily she met his gaze and he continued his work, placing her knees on his shoulders. His tongue was magic. He knew all the right places, reading her body like a puzzle, adapting and learning. Her eyes clenched shut, back arching off the bed, as he slowed his circular torture.

“Red, I want you,” she moaned. “Now.”

She gasped for air, her voice quivering. He was ready, more than ready, but he knew he wouldn’t last long. His own excitement was too much. Her hands grappled at his head, bringing him up to meet hers. Her look said it all as she began to unbutton his pants.

“Patience,” he whispered against her mouth. 

His hands slowly worked the buttons of his vest while his tongue shared her taste. Tossing it to the ground he began on his dress shirt, a Cheshire grin painting his face. She couldn’t wait any longer, buttons popping and flying in all directions as his shirt hung open, loosely at his sides. For once, he wasn’t wearing an undershirt. Liz was pleasantly surprised, running her hands through his chest hair and down his abdomen.

He moved his lips to her neck so she could see what she was working with. In sync, she quickly undid his belt and removed his pants. Even now they functioned well as a team, their chemistry palpable. She gripped him tightly, his response a hiss. 

“Lizzie,” he moaned into her hair.

Feeling her smile against his neck and the heat of her breath sent shivers down his spine. He couldn’t wait any longer. Testing the waters, he drove into her softly, mouth opening in pleasure.

There was no going back, he would never feel better than in this singular moment. He wanted her and no one else for the rest of his life. He moved slowly, drawing out the pleasure, on the brink of pain needing a release. Her hands wrapped around his neck, legs hooked on his waist, moving in unison, meeting him stroke for stroke.

Nails scratching down his back, she tossed her head back, calling out his name. She squeezed tighter around him. Hearing his name fall from her lips as she climaxed was enough to send him over the edge. Blue eyes staring back and ruby lips kissing the corners of his mouth.

With foreheads resting against one another, he kissed her gingerly. Once on the tip of her nose, then on both cheeks, between her eyes, and finally on her lips, breathing life back into her writhing body.

Spent, he rolled over, wincing as he pulled out. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d experienced a climax as intense. He was a junkie for her love and it was only the first hit. Not even all the way down from his high and he was desperate for more.

As if reading his mind, she snuggled into his arms and rested her head on his chest. She could feel his heart pounding, threatening to jump right out of his skin. It matched her own. Her arm wrapped around his torso and filled him with security. She was already drifting off to sleep, but he was fighting to stay awake. He wanted to memorize every detail of this moment, to have it burned in his memory forever to keep him safe.

It wasn’t so dark anymore, he had found his light, but sleep took him back into the night. To his surprise, it wasn’t filled with the usual hot flames of nightmares but with the taste of sweat and commanding blue eyes. He was on his knees, looking up in submission, ready to die for this Goddess. Devotion. Admiration. Passion. Love.

Love is a lot of things and to simplify it down to just one is childish. His own love for her was too complex and ran too deep for even him to understand. All he knew was that he would never be able to let go, not now, not ever.

Sleep took him quickly.

 

__

 

 

 

Aggie’s cries woke the pair in the middle of the night. Lizzie shifted against and blinked her eyes groggily, head resting on Red’s chest. Before she could get up, Red’s hand gripped her bare hip that was pressed against his thigh.

“Go back to sleep, I’ve got her.”

Kissing the top of her head, he slipped out of the sheets and grabbed his boxer briefs. Agnes was wailing when approached and wouldn’t be satisfied until she was held. Stirred in the middle of night and unable to fall back asleep, she cried for help.

Red rocked the child in a groggy and jubilant haze but she was fighting sleep. Her eyes stay trained on his face, a stare that he himself would take him years to master.

“You, my dear, are going to be trouble,” he whispered.

They both smiled. Minutes passed and still she fought night’s embrace. Racking his brain for solutions, he decided on a song he had heard by a talented young artist in a bar a few weeks ago. Captivated by the soft lyrics he attempted to repeat them and lull Aggie back to sleep.

 

Finally asleep, he returned to bed. The moonlight filtered through the curtains at just the right angle as to highlight her soft skin. She look more beautiful than ever, it was all he could do but to stop and take her in.

Tomorrow would come all too soon, this he knew, and their lives would continue. They’d have to deal with the decision made that night and find a way forward. He needed a way forward with her. They’d be back at the Post Office, back with the taskforce, back to work capturing criminals on the blacklist.

Lizzie would continue looking for houses and raising Agnes. He’d found a house, perfect little three bedroom with a lush lawn for Aggie to run around and grow up in. It had the picket fence and everything, something out of a suburban paradise. Years ago he could never imagine wanting such things, being where he was now. But fate was funny that way. He was a different ma. He was a better man. She made him want to be better, made him want to be deserving of her love.

He’d arrange for Dembe to find a nanny and take care of child with a full security detail while they worked. The child would never be out of his or Dembe’s sight. Unnecessary risks would not be taken.

Would they take Aggie with them to hunt down blacklisters? Would it be safer to have her with them, always close, or far away from the action? How would they tell the taskforce? How would they react? Would Liz want to tell her co-workers or would she ask him to hide their newfound relationship?

It wouldn’t be too much of a stretch, he supposed, as they already spent exuberant amounts of time together. Also close and intimate. But he was sure they’d notice the difference. Everything had changed now, he could feel it in his chest, and in the very way he walked.

These were the questions swimming in his mind as he watched his love sleep in tangled sheets bathed in moonlight. He felt like a young man again unsure of labels and titles, how he should act. It was foolish but he was a man in love, and love was foolish.

He climbed back into bed, lifting her arm to nestle back in. Instinctually and still asleep she adjusted herself around him and tightened her grasp on his side. He’d never loved being a pillow more than right now. He’d stay here forever if he could. Time was precious and he knew it couldn’t last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Red’s Lullaby (In my mind but feel free to chose whatever song you'd like! I almost went with The Sound of Silence but it seemed a little dark for a lullaby).
> 
>  
> 
> You and me  
> Got ourselves a problem  
> I can see this  
> Better than I solve em
> 
> I believed  
> I found a way around it  
> I will leave  
> This better than I found it
> 
> There’s too much smoke to see it  
> There’s too much broke to feel this  
> I love you, I love you  
> And all of your pieces
> 
> There’s too much smoke to see it  
> There’s too much broke to feel this  
> I love you, I love you  
> And all of your pieces
> 
> History’s a letter made of scarlet  
> Victories look better when you’ve called it  
> Misery’s the moment when I lost you  
> It’s pleasure in a costume  
> It’s more than what it cost you
> 
> There’s too much smoke to see it  
> There’s too much broke to feel this  
> I love you, I love you  
> And all of your pieces (2x)
> 
> All of your pieces (8x)
> 
> There’s too much smoke to see it  
> There’s too much broke to feel this  
> I love you, I love you  
> And all of your pieces (2x)
> 
>  
> 
> Pieces (Hushed) by Andrew Belle


	3. Back To Work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Red and Dembe get put on babysitting duty as Liz heads back to work at the Post Office for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW smut ahead
> 
> MARKED with a *** when it starts

 

 

“Oh please Lizzie, I can handle it I assure you.”

Red’s charming smile distracted Liz from finding her jacket. Liz looked from Raymond to Dembe and back to Raymond assessing their capabilities as babysitters.

“Red, I really can just take her with me until I find a sitter.” 

Liz’s words were testing. She clearly didn’t want to push Red to far to fast.

“Aggie will be completely safe. Besides, Dembe will be here with me."

Red scooped Agnes out of the crib causing her to giggle. Her delight brought ease to Liz who continued looking for the jacket she intended to wear on her first day back to work. Cooper had been so open to bringing her back to the taskforce as a consultant and the familiarity of the Post Office would certainly put things back to normal. Or whatever she used to consider normal, before things went haywire. 

They had wanted Reddington to return too, the duo back in tact, but he’d declined. Though Liz had convinced him, after a few hours of rolling around in the sheets, to still work on the blacklist and help investigations from afar. After all, they had done their best work that way and Elizabeth was more than capable at figuring out the scattered clues and pieces Raymond had assembled over the years on the blacklisters.

“You know it’s not too late, you can still come back to work with me.” Liz walked across the room to Red who was still holding Agnes. Grabbing at his jacket playfully she mumbled, “I mean you are already in a suit.”

“I enjoy wearing suits, Lizzie. Plus I can’t lie around in my pajamas waiting for you to come home. I’d go positively mad. I still have an empire to run while you’re off saving the world.”

Red kissed the top of her head before setting Aggie on the ground. She had recently taken to crawling. Aggie raced off out of the living room and towards the bedroom, out of sight. Dembe trailed heavily behind her removing obstacles, her guardian angel.

“Right _that_ criminal empire.” She gave a chastising look in Red’s direction as she walked to the kitchen to retrieve a bottle of water from the fridge.

“If I didn’t do it, far worse would take my place. Besides I’m still playing nice with the bureau, our original deal still stands.” Red followed Liz into the kitchen, standing behind her. “The only one I’ll talk to is you,” he growled.

“We’ve been doing much more than talking,” she whispered.

“I’d like to think of it as our bodies doing the talking.” He kissed the side of her neck.

“Take one more day, go back to work tomorrow,” he pleaded. 

“Red, we’ve played hooky in our little paradise long enough. It’s time for me to go back to work, go back to normal.”

Red’s face fell a bit as he turned away. Normal was a time before him and Lizzie were together. Normal was distance and games, masks and walls. He didn’t want to return to normal. He wanted to stay in paradise. Like Dante, he’d gone through hell and purgatory to reach her and now fear gripped him. He was vulnerable. He had something to lose.

Liz took one last glance at Red, who kept his back to her, before reaching for her bag and moving to the door. 

“Red, I love you. I’ll be back tonight.” She poured as much sincerity and endearment as she could into her words.

She knew Red had been struggling to forgive her and open up to her again after the pain she’d caused him. He’d been betrayed to the deepest level and still somehow he managed to love her. She still couldn’t fathom how she had left him in the first place. How she thought they would be better off without him. She still plies for his trust every night. One wrong step and he could shut her out again, like he did when she returned. He had pushed her away before and she was wary of his self-loathing in that way.

“Have a good day, shall I have dinner ready when you get home?” Red turned the charm back on walking back towards the sofa and taking the newspaper in his hand.

“Sounds lovely,” she smiled. His hurt seemed to dissipate.

With that, she was out the door. Agnes came barreling into the room, giggling like a fool, as Dembe attempted to chase her.

“She’s quite the handful this one,” Dembe mumbled happily as he scooped up the child and sat on the floor.

“Yes, we’re in for a busy day.” Red remarked. 

 

__

 

“Hector I expect these shipments to be on time or the next time I come down there we won’t be sipping Mai Tais by the pool and catching up on old times.” Red threatened into the small black burner phone.

Red was putting Agnes down for her mid day nap when he received an unfortunate call from his delivery crew south of the border. His empire had sustained a bit of a hit after his prolonged absence, many had lost faith in the Concierge of Crime to deliver, but he’d spent the past few weeks restoring their trust and sometimes fear.

“Good I expect it on their doorstep no later than noon Thursday.”

Red rocked Agnes slowly as she began to drift to sleep in the beautiful sunshine pouring through the windows.

“And tell the wife I said hello. I do quite enjoy her Paella de Marisco, best Spanish dish I’ve ever had.” Red laughed politely into the phone and ended the call.

Aggie’s eyes had finally closed as Red made careful movements to hand Dembe the phone.

“Should I send another team down just in case?” Dembe offered.

“No, I believe Hector understands the gravity of the situation now and that consequences that accompany it.”

Red talked in a low voice and slowed his swaying down. He moved towards the crib and set the tired child back in her bed to sleep peacefully. Red was mesmerized by her cuteness once again. The innocence this child conveyed continued to take him by surprise, something he assumed he would never quite get used to. The child didn’t understand the darkness of his past or the demons he’d carried. She purely loved him and he was completely captivated under spell.

“Raymond, your three o’clock.”

Dembe extended Red’s coat and hat towards him. Snapping out of his trance, he grabbed his stuff and went for the door.

“I know this goes without saying but-” Red started.

“She won’t leave my sight. The detail is still on the perimeter and in the lobby.” Dembe nodded reassuringly at his friend.

“Thank you Dembe. Thank you for everything.” Red donned his hat. The Concierge of Crime was back as he charged off to work.

 

__

  

Meetings with Aldric, an old associate, were always pleasant for the most part. Aldric was one of Red’s oldest friends from his life before, one of his first French contacts. He’d stayed with Red through the beginnings of his empire and continued to be a valuable asset.

They’d chatted about the past, life, and love. Red felt comfortable and at ease in the friendly formality, back in power. He’d discussed Aldric’s new love affairs that were causing him grief. He was quite the dog when it came to his private life, usually courting multiple women at once. Though Red had never been as promiscuous as his friend, Aldric had never known him to be a one-woman man. His flings were fleeting and passionate, usually tied closely to some ulterior motive.

But Aldric has sensed something different about Red this time in the way he approached the subject of women and love. Even the way Reddington walked gave Aldric pause.

“My friend, certainly there is something different about you. The way you speak the way you laugh. Perhaps a _petite amie_ has finally stolen your heart?”

Aldric leaned further into his chair, letting out a long drag on his cigar, eyeing Red suspiciously.

“Either you know me too well or I’ve lost my mysterious edge I’ve taken so long to cultivate,” Red teased smoothly.

Red was accustomed to dancing and dodging direct questions but he didn’t know how to approach the topic of Lizzie. He’d always called her a colleague, a friend, or an associate when prompted in the past. Moving forward he would need to claim her as something in order to protect her, but it would also put a bigger bulls eye on her back than every before.

“Love is a funny thing is it not? It can turn even the hardest men to rubble. It moves mountains. You Raymond, have the look of a man in love. 

“I suppose I am. It’s a terrifying feeling.”

Red’s tongue circled the end of his cigar before taking a long puff. Smoke streamed through his curved lips and dissipated into the cool fall air.

“It’s a risk to love. For what if it doesn’t work out?” Aldric fell silent for a moment until Raymond met his glance. “Ah, but what if it does?” He smiled.

 

__

 

Liz climbed sluggishly up five flights of stairs to her small dingy apartment. A man with greying black hair, disheveled facial hair, and muddy work boots slouched in a plastic chair outside her door. He sat up when she reached the top and approached her door. He smiled politely and lowered his newspaper.

“Ms. Keen,” he greeted.

Liz half-heartedly smiled back. Red had really buffed up security since he’d been back in her and Agnes’ life, doing little to hide it. She turned the knob and entered her apartment, excited to see her daughter.

Agnes was absorbed in playtime with Dembe, the two exploring light-up musical toys and colorful plastic animals in the floor of the living room. Frank Sinatra cooed through the house, the sound of trumpets and strings dancing around her. Red’s back was to her as he quickly chopped and stirred up a storm in the cheap lopsided kitchen. 

_“I’ve got you under my skin. I’ve got you deep in the heart of me_ , s _o deep in my heart that you’re really a part of me. I’ve got you under my skin,”_ Sinatra bellowed sweet singsong lyrics to Liz’s heart just as the amazing smell of Red’s cooking reached her nose.

“Wow, that smells delicious. What is it?” She announced her presence, tossing her bag on the counter.

Agnes squealed and turned from Dembe to her mother. Mounting on her hands and knees, she took off like a rocket to Liz who happily scooped her up into her tired arms.

“Hey pumpkin! How was your day? We’re you having fun with Dembe?” Her voice raised two octaves as she smiled helplessly at the angel in her arms.

Dembe couldn’t help but smile. It was infectious. Red’s hooded eyes glanced across the room to meet Liz’s. Suddenly she found herself hungry for something else.

“She’s an angel,” Dembe’s fingers tickled at Aggie’s cheeks as he spoke to Elizabeth.

“Thank you Dembe, she just adores you.” Liz leaned in to give Dembe a quick peck on the cheek.

Dembe smiled, embarrassed, and hustled towards the door.

“Are you not staying for dinner?” Liz asked bopping Agnes up and down in her arms.

“I’m afraid not.” Dembe gave a look to Raymond who only nodded.

“Next time,” she smiled.

Dembe nodded in agreement and exited the apartment.

“You never did answer me,” Liz approached Red playfully.

“I apologize,” he smiled and kissed her softly on the lips. “I had a phone call today with an associate whose wife makes the most incredible Paella de Marisco. I suddenly began to crave it. Though I doubt I can recreate it with the authenticity it deserves, I thought I’d give it a try. I hope you’re hungry.”

He poured the platter of delicious coastal flavor into a large dish and carried it to the table. Red took Aggie from Liz and pulled out her chair. As Liz took her seat, Red pushed her in and placed a happy Agnes in the high chair positioned next to the table. Red scooped a serving of the beautiful dish onto each of their plates and provided Agnes with her favorite cereal puff snack.

“Wow Red this is…” She smiled looking at the scene.

The apartment was clean. Clothes that were previously strewn across the floor were gathered and thrown in the laundry, dinner on the table, Agnes silently eating, and a man she loved gazing at her from across the table.

“Don’t praise me until you’ve tried it,” his lips curled into a half smile as he took the first bite of his seafood delight.

Liz was starving. She’d barely remembered to eat a quick lunch. Her first day back was so hectic. Ressler spent a good portion of the day catching her up on everything that had happened while Aram pushed through security giving her access to everything again. Her head was spinning as she rushed to catch up on the cases and put her office back together. She had hurt everyone on the task force and the sting still showed in their faces.

Ressler was the last one to accept her back into the fold. Aram was so full of love and forgiveness, understanding what she did was for her child, no malice intended. Samar was all questions, reestablishing their friendship and asking how Agnes was. The two actually had lunch together in her office in between briefings. 

Cooper had hugged her the moment she stepped in the office, happier to see her than almost anyone. Harold had been a rock through the hell that was the past year and she was so glad to have him back.

She talked about her day and some of cases the bureau had been stuck on for the past few months to Red as they ate dinner. They talked about Agnes and her adventurous morning at the park with him and Dembe. He brought up his time with Aldric and how the two had met. It was something out of a storybook or movie, playing the parts of the doting husband and wife talking about their days. Only with a lot more crime, bad guys, and paperwork.

Once the meal was finished Liz offered to clean the dishes.

“Nonsense. Agnes has been dying for you to return all day. Go and spend some time with your daughter.”

He smiled and kissed the little one on the head while clearing the table.

“I could get used to this.” Liz picked up Agnes and took her to the floor, where her and Dembe were playing earlier.

Raymond watched the two playing in the floor, both smiling and laughing, happy as can be. His own heart swelled with joy and he wondered how he could be so lucky. It didn’t seem right. How the hell did she ever pick him? This domesticity was something he’d never fathomed he’d have. Words couldn’t express the way Lizzie made him feel. Aldric’s words rang in his head as he finished up the dishes.

 

 

***

  

The sun was falling as Liz rocked Agnes one last time to help her to sleep. Red could watch her forever. It was a masterpiece, art. He wished he could take a picture to always remember the way she looked in that moment.

Red broke away and wandered off to through the bedroom to take a shower. Removing his hat, jacket, and shoes he turned on the bathroom light and started the water.

“Want some help with that?” Liz’s voice was heavy from behind him.

Just the sound of her words got him excited. He turned to face her, his eyebrow arched.

“You know, I think I’m still hungry. Any chance I can have some dessert?” Her words were illicit and torturous.

“I knew I forgot something,” he mumbled as her fingers slowly unbuttoned his dress shirt.

She peeled him out of his shirt and helped him out of his trousers. Her lips found his as she claimed her sweet dessert.

“Mm, that’ll do,” she whispered into his mouth.

It was too much, he couldn’t hold still any longer. Steam filled the room from the hot water of the running shower and he slammed the door shut. His hands slid down across her back and down to her upper thigh. He hoisted her up to his hips until she wrapped her legs around him. One of her hands locked around his neck and the other claimed the back of his head, deepening the kiss.

Red pushed her up against the pale bathroom wall, the cold tiles sending shivers down her spine. His excitement pressed firmly against her stomach as he brushed loose hair away from her face.

He broke the kiss and looked quickly into her eyes assessing where she was. His mind ran a million miles a minute and focused directly into her and her needs. Did she need more teasing? More build up? Or was she ready? He was bursting and his entire body ached to be inside her, but he slowed down his fevered kisses.

“Clothes,” he growled.

He carried her to the edge of the sink where she sat on the counter, kicking off her pants. Her hands lifted off her blouse and Red made quick work of her panties. He quickly disposed of his own and reengaged. His fingers explored and tangled into her hair while his other hand slowly teased and tickled the outside of her thigh.

Her hands wrapped around his biceps as he eased into her, legs wrapping tighter around his hips. He hissed in her ear, his pleasure getting her more excited. Now he could get used to _this_.

 

__

 

 

"It is a risk to love. What if it doesn't work out? Ah, but what if it does?" - Peter McWilliams

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually have a written out plan for where this is going which will keep more accountable for updating it! Hope someone other than me enjoys the ride.


	4. Home Sweet Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How does a life of crime and a life of justice co-exist under the same roof? The day to day life of Lizzie and Red is different from your average couple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit shorter, but I'm working on making the next chapter more full and incident driven rather than these little snapshots of Liz and Red's domestic life.

__

 

 

“What do you mean you won’t be home for dinner?” Three gunshots popped loudly through the speakers of Liz’s office computer.

“Red!” Liz strained, alarmed.

“I’m sorry Lizzie, but things are taking a little longer than expected over here.” He calmly explained from the other side of screen.

“And where is that exactly?” Liz grew worried, more gunshots bursting in the distance.

“This little island off the coast of-” Red paused as his surroundings went silent. Tilting his head to the side he listened intently.

“Raymond,” Dembe’s voice was loud enough for Liz to hear through the video call.

“Right. I’m sorry sweetheart but duty calls. I’ll be back as soon as I can.” Raymond smiled charmingly and abruptly ended the call.

Liz’s screen went dark for a moment until her mundane FBI desktop wallpaper reappeared, soaking her face in a ghostly blue light.

 

 

___

 

 

Liz was walking out of the day’s crime scene, a dilapidated old house on its last leg, when she saw him. Dressed impeccably in his light grey suit, open collar, black over coat hanging casually open, black hat off to the side, he was leaning up against one of the police cars. His fingers danced around something in the palm of his hand. Liz broke off from Ressler and the team to approach him. 

“What are you doing here? I thought you were in Africa.” Liz couldn’t hide the excitement in her voice for the unexpected visit.

“I brought you a souvenir, didn’t want it to spoil.” Red extended the strange fruit.

“What is it?” She sniffed it cautiously.

“Carissa macrocarpa, though the locals call it a large num-num. Charming isn’t it? Equally delicious. I’m told it makes splendid jams.”

“When did you get back?” She lowered the fruit and looked over her shoulder, wondering if the rest of the team was watching.

“A little bit ago. I take it from the police tape and flashing lights your day didn’t go so well?” Red’s eyes caught with Ressler’s who was looking protectively over at Keen.

“We were too late,” she mumbled frustrated.

 

___

 

 

“It’s time to get out of this apartment Lizzie.” Red leaned up against the bathroom wall dressed in his boxer and an undershirt. His toothbrush hung casually from his lips.

“I don’t know. I think it’s growing on me.” Liz snidely remarked.

“You can’t be serious,” Red removed the toothbrush, spit, and rinsed his mouth.

“It’s cozy, besides, it’s all I can really afford. Coming back from the dead doesn’t exactly come with tax breaks.” Liz snuggled in between the covers and propped her head up on the pillow.

“I’m still unsure why you won’t allow me to contribute, I mean I practically live here.” He turned out the bathroom light and walked towards the bed.

“Because I don’t need you to take care of me, Red.” She smiled invitingly.

“Are you sure about that?” He teased, sliding in between the covers to join her.

“Well at least not in that way,” Liz murmured while turning off the lamp. Before she could say another word Red’s head disappeared beneath the covers.

 

 

__

 

 

“You little shit,” she mumbled.

“Oh come on now, you haven’t even seen the inside.”

Red jaunted off toward the modest three bedroom, passed the white picket fence.

“Red I already told you that I didn’t want you to-”

“Yes, yes buy you a house with my blood money. You made that perfectly clear, but see this was oil money. No blood involved.” He paused. “Well at least not on my part.”

He smiled as if that was supposed to make her feel better. He’d been working more and more the past few weeks, travelling the world, always on his jet. She felt as if she’d barely seen him.

“No, I can’t accept this.”

“Lizzie we’ve been living in that dingy apartment for almost two months now. Agnes needs a place to play outside. She needs her own room. It’s charmingly perfect and a short commute to the Post Office.” Red was adamant this gift would be accepted.

“I assume you’ve already had security installed?” Liz wandered the plush yard, looking towards the neighboring houses. They were all in perfect order. Some had kids toys littered across the lawn. Sprinklers on. Birds chirping.

“Of course. I assumed you’d move in right away.” Red took a seat on the front porch stairs.

His expensive sunglasses masked his eyes and his suit jacket fell open, allowing the cool breeze to flow through. He tilted his head back and basked in the sunlight. For a moment he breathed, really breathed, and took it all in. The only time you ever notice any difference in life is in the moment of transition. He’d spent so long in the dark, lurking in the shadows, that he’d forgotten what the light felt like. Darkness was a friend Red knew well, but Liz’s light drew him out. 

But it was awareness, he realized, that was so real and essential. It’s awareness that’s so hidden in plain sight, in the darkness, all around us all the time. He has to keep reminding himself that this is real. This is happening. This is life.

“It’s…lovely Red.” She held Agnes tightly in her arms and looked up at the sun too. “I just have one condition.”

“Anything,” he promised.

“Move in with us,” Liz took a seat next to him. Aggie crawled over onto Red’s lap and into his arms.

His eyes looked worried. Fight or flight, a caged animal, her light was a little too bright. Then he looked into the eyes of her loving child. Her smile calmed a storm, caged the lion. The air he breathed, it was his awareness. _This is life_ , he remembered. These two made him happy. Made him better.

“If you insist,” he said curtly. Lifting Agnes up, he stepped towards the door and extended a shiny pair of keys towards Lizzie. “Welcome home,” he whispered in Aggie’s ear and the child giggled.

 

 

__

 

 

“What is it? What are you thinking?” Liz could feel the tenseness in his chest, the quickness of his breathing. It had startled her awake from a deep sleep.

“Nothing. Just a nightmare.” His voice was deep and dark, covered in shadows.

“We’re far past nothing. Tell me.” She kissed his chest lightly, running her fingers through the smattering of hair.

“I haven’t had this nightmare in a while. I sleep so peacefully when I’m with you.” Red was befuddled by the anomaly. Liz could tell he was genuinely shaken by the dream.

“Was it the fire?” Her scar itched at the very mention of it.

“No,” he murmured. She waited silently for him to continue. “I spend every day of my life trying to forget about this part of me. The one in the suburban house, the perfect lawn, the smiling child, the…” He trailed off.

“Your family?” She asked quietly.

“I became a different person. I moved on, created a new life. I never thought fate would lead me back here.” He paused. “And so willingly.”

Liz felt hurt. She’d somehow managed to trick herself into forgetting Red’s life before her, before they’d met. She’d forgotten that he’d had the family, the house, the beautiful life, the job, the whole nine yards. He’d had it and ran from it. Worried filled her throat at the thought of him running from her and Agnes.

“Part of me thought I would never want this again. Insanity, after all, is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.” Red pulled her closer, sensing her anxiety.

“Maybe you are insane.” She hoped not. She had grown accustomed to having him around and she knew Agnes had grown attached too. Tom hadn’t been around since he’d taken the job with Hargrave.

“Maybe I’m just a masochist,” Red chuckled.

She fell silent. The unspoken words of the pain she caused him seeping back, through the air and into her skin, soaking it up, breathing it in. Pain of resurfacing old wounds, the pain she had caused him by leaving. All the damage she’d caused this man she loved and yet he was still here somehow. Did he like the pain? Or are some pains worth more than others?

“When you left,” he whispered. “Died.” His eyes were fixed on the ceiling. His voice was low, barely above a rumble. “I don’t remember half the places I stayed in. The days blurred together, though I think the opium is to blame for that.”

“Raymond…” She looked up, trying to search his eyes, but he wouldn’t meet hers.

“I would have died to kill the men I thought responsible for your death. There was a moment when I thought that I was that man, that I was responsible. I was ready to take my own life.” He moved out of her grasp, kicked his legs out, leaning on the edge of the rustled bed.

“When you came back, I stayed away. I stayed away because I didn’t think you wanted me, because I couldn’t take the pain if you’d leave again. You needed time. I needed time.”

Liz waited for more but he stayed silent.

“Do you still need more time?” Liz regretted the question the moment she asked it. She feared the outcome either way. She didn’t deserve his forgiveness but she didn’t want to live another moment without him.

  

 __

 

 

The capital-T Truth is about life BEFORE death. It is about the real value of a real education, which has almost nothing to do with knowledge, and everything to do with simple awareness; awareness of what is so real and essential, so hidden in plain sight all around us, all the time, that we have to keep reminding ourselves over and over:

"This is water."

"This is water."

-David Foster Wallace  _This Is Water_  

 


	5. Saudade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jealousy sets in as Tom re-enters Agnes' and Liz's lives. Now having something to point the blame at for his insecurities in the relationship, Red begins to self-sabotage in fear of losing Liz again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Saudade (n.) (Portuguese) - Melancholy nostalgia for something that has not happened yet or will never happen again. A pleasure you suffer, an ailment you enjoy.

 

 

__

 

 

As a rule, Reddington still believed jealousy to be a base emotion. It had no founding. And yet it was consuming him, burning him from the inside out. In this case, it was not endearing. It was fatal.

He watched as Tom held his child. _His_ in the sense that Agnes was not Reddington’s. _His_ in the sense that Reddington had formed a bond far greater than Tom ever had. _His_ in the sense that Reddington was an imposter, taking someone else’s place. The word gnawed and burrowed into Red’s mind while he watched _his_ Agnes rediscover a man long gone from her world.

He wanted to bare his teeth, claw _his_ eyes out, protect Agnes from a man more infinitely destructive than he could have ever imagined. Instead his legs were crossed, breathing even, eyes lackadaisical, as he watched the scene before him. This was not his territory to mark. This was not his time to make a scene. This was not his battle to fight. This was not a war he could win.

 

“Nice house,” Tom mumbled. Red wasn’t even sure if he was talking to him, but there was no one else in the room except for the child and he would never take such a tone with that sweet angel.

Red decided it was better not to respond, biting his tongue. The first crack in the dam, he could already feel the pressure building. Aggie cried out. Maybe she could sense the pressure too, he thought. More likely though, she was just hungry, it was about that time of night. Their schedule and rhythm was harmonious for the past few weeks. Liz swooped in from the other room, seizing the child from her ex-husband. Tom’s face was one of distress and guilt, one Red knew well.

 

“Oh it’s okay, she’s just hungry, aren’t you Aggie? It’s not Daddy’s fault, no, let’s go get you some dinner.” Liz carried the child to the kitchen and out of earshot.

Reddington had never wanted to be called Dad. In fact, he insisted that Liz call him Red in front of Aggie. Dad was something he was a long time ago. A title fit for any man that could _fuck_. A title given to any man with the basic instinct to reproduce, a dime a dozen. Everyone had a _Dad_ , but few had a father. Fewer had a Red. He’d protect this child until the day he died. He’d sacrifice everything for her and that was all he cared about. He knew this, said this, repeated this, and still the jealousy ate through his soul. Or what was left of it.

Tom’s resurfacing had come as a surprise to the both of them after a phone call Lizzie had made about Agnes’ first word. Red supposed it had been out of some parental guilt of missing the “big moments” of his child’s life. If Red had learned anything in his years, it’s that the little moments were everything. The little moments were the ones he recalled unconsciously, the light in his deafening darkness.

The way she smiled haphazardly while lying in bed, looking at nothing in particular. The way her neck curled when his finger traced her lower back. The way she made eggs in the morning, completely destroying the kitchen for a simple meal. How she would sing Agnes to sleep when she stirred in the middle of the night. She enamored him every day. The big moments paled in comparison to the intimacy of their everyday lives.

Red retreated to the back patio where Dembe stood guard. He pulled out a cigar and a bottle of scotch, sitting down next to his dear friend. The two sat silently, words not needing to be exchanged for them to understand each other. Dembe could feel the threat looming behind them, a fox in the hen house. He could sense Red’s anxiety and distrust. Breathing in the cool night air, he exhaled a cloud of smoke that circled his head. The sun had gone down and the familiar darkness had seeped in unbeknownst.

 

“Raymond, he is of no threat to your place in this family.” Dembe broke the silence with the words Red longed to hear.

That’s the funny thing about the truth, people accept what they believe they deserve, and Red believed himself wholly undeserving. This simply wasn’t the truth he believed.

Since Tom had arrived back in Liz’s life, Raymond had become more distant. He’d taken more trips, came home when he knew she would be asleep, kept his looks cast down. He’d left her room for an out, left her room to choose him, the child’s real father. He wouldn’t stand in the way of her happiness and if he needed to step back for her to make an objective decision than so be it.

The nightmares of his old life, his family before, were getting worse, but he wouldn’t admit that to Lizzie. Sometimes when he gazed out the window he saw illusions of his own daughter running through the yard, chasing the wind, lost in a time before. He knew he was walking dangerously close to his greatest failure, the failure of domesticity, as a father and as a husband. He knew he was filling himself with delusions of happiness and normality. Delusions were all they were. He would never be able to provide the kind of stability Lizzie and Agnes needed.

One night Red sat quietly on the sofa after a particularly nasty phone call with a disgruntled associate. Liz had just put Agnes to sleep and came to join him in the study. It was the first night Tom had visited Agnes in a long while, leaving a bitter taste of unworthiness in Red’s mouth.

She didn’t say a word, but instead read his standoffish body language. Lizzie leaned over to kiss him, to reassure him of his place in her heart, in this family. Red sat still, not resisting but not participating. He rose and walked towards the bookshelf, glass of scotch in hand. The ice clanked against the sides of the sweating glass. He was still dressed from a long day, dress shirt and vest, his hat resting on the desk. 

Liz walked around him, corning him against the bookshelf. She eyed him, watching his expressions carefully, watching for distaste or anguish. His eyes met hers evenly, almost challenging. He wasn’t about to make the first move. He wanted it to be a decision she made. To have him. A decision to continue to being with him. His mouth drew in an even line, standing straighter. 

Her fingers dragged up his sternum and to the top button of his exquisite vest. Working her way down, she slowly unbuttoned him. He stayed completely still, watching her quietly. She kept her eyes to his, the intimacy catching him off guard. Her hands worked away his buckle and moved down, down, down. Their eyes remained locked as she took complete control and he let her. Invited her. Gave in to her.

 

 

___

  

“He’s there again,” Dembe put down the small black burner phone.

“And Lizzie?” Red’s eyes were still fixated on the wings of his jet slicing through the clouds.

“With him,” Dembe confirmed. 

It was the fifth time in two weeks Tom had come around the house to see Agnes. Or more likely, Red assumed, to see Lizzie. They’d even gone to dinner one night. Red stewed, but he didn’t want Lizzie to see this side of him. He’d rather if no one did, but Dembe was one who could be trusted to keep him check before he fell too far down the rabbit hole.

 

__

 

 

“Oh come on! Now what’s bothering you?” Aldric and Red strode down a tiny back street along the coast of Marseille.

“How could anything be wrong when we’re in such a paradise?” Red watched the waves rock the wildly expensive yachts docked in the bay.

“One man’s paradise is another man’s hell.”

 

Aldric had read one too many parables when he was a child or possibly found himself incredibly charming when he talked in riddles. Either way, he always left Red with advice that he could take to heart. Deep down Red knew he wasn’t here for the salty sea breeze or for business that could have been handled with a few phone calls, but rather for the advice of this old friend.

 

“In your many encounters with women, do you ever find yourself jealous of other men bidding for their attention?” Red leaned over the railing to get a better view of the ocean.

“I find that jealously is just a symptom. Usually of something much more destructive.” Aldric and Reddington had very similar approaches to life. That was one of the reasons Red trusted him so quickly back in the day. 

“What’s your prognosis?” Red looked towards the sun, squinting in the brightness. 

“For jealousy?” Aldric laughed. “Jealousy is one the purest forms of insecurity. You feel threatened. An opponent perhaps?”

“An ex,” Red leaned on one elbow, turning himself towards Aldric.

“Inconsequential,” Aldric waved his hand dismissively. “The opponent is of no importance. Insecurity comes from within, from vulnerability. You feel as if you’re not fit for this position. Am I close?”

Aldric made it sound so easy, but he was quick to cut the smooth-talking Concierge of Crime to the core. He was astute but usually his observations accompanied an unfounded cynicism for which he found his deductions irreversible.

 

“It’s rather easy to hate yourself when all love is directed to someone else,” Red laughed. The truth was he simply no redeeming qualities within himself. The only peace he found depended on the ashes in his wake, demons kept on a loose leash, never tamed. 

 

“Reddington, one must love themselves before they can truly accept love.” Aldric’s eyebrow arched, his head tilting. “This is the plight of the lone wolf, my friend. Always roaming, always hunting. You and I, we don’t belong in packs, we hunt alone.”

“That’s a lonely path to walk,” Red mused.

“It’s how we’re wired. To be uniquely, completely, and imperially alone.” He smiled in self-hatred, in frustration. His awareness brought him distress, but it also brought him solace. The solace of introspection and understanding for why he did the things he did.

“Or you know,” Aldric stood up from the railing, continuing their walk. “You could just deck the guy.”

 

__

  

“Red?” Her voice was doused in sleep.

“Yes, I’m sorry. Go back to sleep.” Red discarded his hat and clothes. Kicking off his shoes, he started towards the bathroom.

“How’s Aldric? Everything go okay?” She rolled over to face him only to have her eyes scalded by the bathroom light.

“We can talk about it in the morning, sleep sweetheart.” He shut the bathroom door.

 

__

  

Liz stirred again when she heard a creak in the house. She rolled over, stretching out her arm to feel for Red. Her fingertips skimmed the cold empty sheets as she sat up. She could see a warm light flickering from underneath the door, startling her to her feet. Entering the living room, she found Red alone in front of the fireplace. Her scar itched instinctually, fighting the urge to grasp at it.

He heard her silent footsteps. He was trained to always be on alert, trained to detect the undetectable. His past was always processing subconsciously inside him, a switch he’d never be able to turn off. His eyes stayed locked on the dancing flames. Something in it had a power. He could barely tear his eyes away when she sat down beside him. 

 

“While sailing in the deep sea, a Captain must always have an eye on his surroundings. A storm could hit within moments. The winds change, the waves moan, on a dime a perfect day can turn into a disaster.” His voice was gravelly, choked, and strained. 

 

“When a storm finally hits, the Captain must make a decision. Does he attempt to get away? Or does he steer directly into? Aiming for the docile center, the eye of the storm, the one safe place. He doesn’t know how far away he is, how big the storm could get, or if he can sustain that kind of damage along the way. But, he doesn’t know if he could out run it either. His decision could cost the lives of everyone aboard, including his own.”

 

“You think there’s a storm coming?” Liz asked softly.

“The storms already here Lizzie. It’s just a matter of deciding what to do about it.” With that Red stood and extended a despondent hand.

 

Leading her back to bed, they settled in for the night. Cuddled into Red’s chest, Liz could feel saudade balling in her stomach, keeping her awake for the rest of the night. While Red fell into a deep and troubled sleep.

  

 

__

 

 

“How to keep from going through your comfortable, prosperous, respectable adult life

dead, unconscious, a slave to your head and to your natural default settings

of being uniquely, completely, imperially alone – day in and day out.”

\- David Foster Wallace

 

 

It’s easy to hate yourself

When all your love is inside someone else

It’s easy to take it all

It’s easy to give it to

When there’s more people out there to love

Than people who love you

 - _The John Wayne_ by The Little Green Cars

 

When I was a child

I’d sit for hours staring into open flames

Something in it had a power

Could barely tear my eyes away

- _Arsonists Lullaby_ by Hozier 

- _The Arsonist’s Lullaby_ by Hozier


	6. Litost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liz and Red take a turn for the worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Litost (n.) (Czech)
> 
> A state of torment created by the sudden sight of one’s own misery. It connects insult to revenge, with desire to strike back at the perceived source of one’s shame. 
> 
> I find it difficult to imagine how anyone can understand the human soul without it.
> 
> -Milan Kundera

__

 

“The solution is simple, I get in this car and I disappear.” Red’s voice was so even it scared him. How easily he could just bury his most ardent emotions. How easily he could deceive everyone around him, including himself.

“You’re offering to walk away?” Liz was shocked. Sure they’d been distant for the past couple of weeks since Tom had come back into Aggie’s life, but she hadn’t thought it would come to this.

“I’m not going to sit here and beg you to send Tom away. So say the word and I’m gone.” Silence ensued between the pair, deafening, soul crushing silence.

“Tell me to go Lizzie.” His voice rose and his eyes challenged. This relationship, this step forward, started with the power in her hands. The ball always had to be in her court. Red couldn’t justify it any other way. His eyes were piercing and challenging. He was daring her to end it, something he himself didn’t have the strength to do. He’d sit and wither in these flames than walk away, but she had the power to make it stop.

“He’s her father,” she whispered. Her hand felt forced, the mirage of power and illusion of choice did not go unnoticed. This was Reddington’s decision and she felt the pain come on like a hurricane.

“Then I guess I’ll go.” He couldn’t compete with Tom and he knew it. She was right, he was the father, but he was also a danger and destruction.

 

__

 

Drunk, miserable, and utterly alone, Red stumped back into the safe house he had called home for the past week. Dembe watched, filled with concern, as Reddington destroyed himself. Self-loathing and dark hatred for the man he planted in Lizzie’s life swirled and mixed with the booze creating a lethal cocktail of despair. 

Nuclear destruction of a new kind of loss consumed his mind. He crawled back into the darkness, bottle in hand, curling back up in the familiar emptiness. To have loved and lost is better than to have never loved at all, _what bullshit_ , Red thought. He’d lost his best friend. He’d lost the love of his life. He’d lost a child he’d loved as his own. But worst of all he’d lost the best pieces of himself, the man he wanted to be.

“The Czechs have a word for something like this,” Aldric had said. “Litost.” Red had called the old friend one night in the stoned haze of one of the opium dens. “It’s nearly untranslatable to my language or yours, but the gist is an unfathomable torment created by one’s own misery. Shame.”

Red had hung up the phone fixated on the word. He could sit for days going back and forth over every wrong turn, every damaging word, every suppressed feeling he could never force himself to mention. He was the root of this internal destruction. He had let it get out of hand for too long.

 _Miscommunication is the root of all tragedy_ , he thought. Of course she was right. She always was able to out think everyone in the room, since the day she profiled him, he knew that much. The memories came flooding back and he gave in. The perfect ending to his drunken miserable night.

 

__

 

It had been one of the first nights they had gotten together. Still in that first week of blissful paradise before Liz had gone back to work and before Red had touched the phone to resume his business. 

“I remember the song that was playing when I first knew I wanted to be with you,” Liz whispered in his ear. 

“There was music playing?” Red stroked her hair softly lost in his own memories of desire from early on.

He remembered the first time he saw her with blond hair. His body physically contracted. He thought about the night in the shipping container under the stars, the way her eyes looked in the moonlight. The looks, the touches, the teasing, he didn’t remember exactly when that admiration, respect, and intense devotion became something…more. He’d always loved Lizzie that much was true, but something in the way she had moved. Something in the way her lips curled around his name. Maybe it was when she jabbed that pen into his neck.

 _Could it have been that early_ , he mused. He would have never acted on it, never risked the relationship they already had, just to satisfy some physical need or longing. She had become his best friend and she was certainly the one thing on Earth he’d fall to his knees for.

 

“Do you remember that mission we were put on? Right after my name was cleared? The concert?” Liz interrupted his thoughts.

“Oh sure, that little _rock_ band.” The words came out heinous, causing Liz to laugh.

“They weren’t really my style either, but there was something about the song that was playing that night. And when we walked in on Janet.”

He remembered Janet, the daughter of an FBI official. She’d gone missing, supposedly taken by an associate of a blacklister they were tracking down. Red insisted on going in the field with Liz that night, since she still couldn’t carry a firearm. Rather than sending Dembe as an awkwardly large personal bodyguard, he scrounged up some casual clothes and escorted Lizzie to the dingy bar, doubling as a venue, that they’d tracked her to.

 

“I still play it from time to time, it took me weeks to track down.” She started to hum some of the bars, running her fingers through his chest hair. “When you were staying away from me, when I came back…” She was hesitant to bring it up. “I played it a lot. It made my think of you.”

 

…

 

Red had been surrounded by drunken millennials, screaming and cheering out slurred lyrics. The stage was covered in fog or more likely, he assumed, clouds of smoke. The lead singer, covered head to toe in tattoos, leaned heavily on the mic stand belting heartfelt promises and confessions.

Lizzie charged forward, pushing the horny teens aside heading towards the side stage entrance. Red stayed close, hovering behind her, suddenly regretting his choice of clothing. He longed for the comfort his suits provided, his suit of armor. Instead he went for non-descript in a pair of dark-wash jeans, an expensive t-shirt, and suit jacket. Sunglasses hung carefully from the collar of his shirt, pulling it down just enough to revel a hint of chest hair. His shoes were shined, well kept, and an equally nice watch graced his wrist. Somehow Raymond Reddington’s casual was anything but.

 

“Our confirmed sighting said she was somewhere backstage,” Red could barely hear Liz over the thump of the base. He didn’t know why he signed on to be this young girl’s glorified babysitter. Just another teenager running from overprotective helicopter parents, acting out, and getting into bed with some of the world’s most dangerous people. The usual.

When they finally got backstage, the roar of the crowd had died a bit, bringing the music itself to the front and center of everything. It had been some time since Red had been to a concert, the last one he remembered was surely from his youth. The music swirled around and filled the space, trapping and suppressing any other sounds attempting to overthrow it.

 

_I don’t know if we should be alone together_

_I’ve still got a crush it’s obvious_

_Nobody’s around what’s stopping us_

The song tempo changed quickly, as if on cue, when Liz pounded on the unmarked door. No answer. With a brash kick, the door gave in and swung open to reveal their target. All Red could remember was the look on Lizzie’s face, the pink that rose on her cheeks, the way her eyebrows furrowed. Embarrassment. Red had never been shy when it came to sex, he found it only natural and rather satisfying. His openness with the subject seemed to startle most women and he liked to use it to his advantage. Lizzie’s confidence and power seemed to drain and was quickly replaced with a shy and awkward shield.

The couple didn’t stop with their interruption. Their tongues twisted and turned, soaking in each other’s bodily fluids. Young and inexperienced lovers, desperate for contact, Red mused. Red stepped forward, the electricity of the pair palpable in the air, Lizzie followed uncomfortably.

 

“Janet, my name’s-” But Red interrupted Lizzie before she could be ignored by the lustful duo.

“I believe it’s time to finish quickly, friends. While I’m always a fan of the slow-drawn out torture, that taking one’s time can provide, I’m afraid we’re just on a bit of a tight schedule.” Red removed his jacket and handed it to the girl who quickly dismounted her partner.

“What the fuck man!” The young devilish boy stood angrily, unashamed of his anatomy. Liz’s eyes found the floor much more interesting, her face growing redder by the second. The boy walked forward threateningly out in front of Janet, challenging Red.

“As _proud_ as I can see you are, I suggest you step back and let the girl come with us.” Red hissed.

“Bobby, please.” Janet stood in front of her partner, planting a lingering kiss on his lips. Distracted, the boy responded, growing hungry for more.

“That’s enough,” Liz snapped out of her fog and grasped at Janet. Quickly buttoning the coat, she ducked out the door with the young teenager under her protective arm.

“Man, tell your girl to calm down. I wasn’t hurting her, I didn’t tell her to run away. Her mom just hates me. But I really love her, okay?” The boy pleaded, the aggression fading from his face. Red understood his look, the pain. His eyes couldn’t move from the door, longing for his girl to come charging back.

 

_Baby, I can't help but call her that_

_Even though I shouldn't say it_

_She was my baby girl_

 

“She’s a minor,” Red’s head tilted. “While I’m not one to discourage a little age difference, I suggest you wait until she’s legal and no longer in the custody of her very influential mother.”

“She’s special. She’s…different from the others. We just work together.” The boy bit his lip, his gaze falling.

“Then you shouldn’t mind being patient.” Red turned to leave. “Oh and tell your father I have a message for him.” Pulling his gun from his back holster, he shot the boy in the foot. The roar of the music, the excited adoring fans, and the drunken heartfelt lyrics muffled his screams.

 

_I never meant to hurt your baby girl_

_She's your little baby, she's my soulmate_

_I don't want you to worry, she'll be so safe right here_

 

Red hated the boy’s father, though he knew he couldn’t help his lineage. He could see the earnest heart in the boy, a boy in love, something he knew all too well. A simple flesh wound should get the message across, though.

When Red finally caught up, Janet was on the phone in the corner with Lizzie standing awkwardly off to the side.

 

_Can you let your baby be my girl?_

 

Red was hypnotized watching Lizzie play with her hair unconsciously. The way she stood… gave him protruding thoughts. He remembers that’s when it really started. The tension and release of two young horny teenagers had set a mood and rung a bell that could never be un-rung, only suppressed. He wondered if Lizzie could feel it too, the new tension between them.

 

…

 

“Do you remember what you said after we found Janet?” Lizzie interrupted his reminiscing.

“What did I say?” He remembered exactly what he said. He couldn’t believe she did though. The memory was clearly just as important to her as it was to him. Suddenly the world seemed righted, it wasn’t all in his head. She had felt it to.

“You said that Romeo never ends up with Juliet. To which I said that miscommunication was the root of all tragedy.” Lizzie laughed just like she did when she first said it. He remembered the blush that covered her skin. It caused him to wonder if her skin was flushed elsewhere in more hidden places.

“That’s when I told you I would have killed Romeo to save Juliet.” Red had known the implications of his sick metaphor even if she had not. In the deep reaches of his thoughts that night he had somehow twistedly seen himself as Romeo, her Romeo. He’d seen himself, as that young boy, torn from his Juliet, held apart by separate worlds. The daughter of a powerful government family and the son of a despicable crime lord, a classic story that time would never forget. His darkness would have consumed her.

“I guess they don’t always end in tragedies,” Lizzie planted soft kisses down his chest and stomach. Red desperately wanted to believe her, wanted to believe in happy endings, but he knew better. He had to.

 

__

 

 

One of his favorite memories came right after he bought the house. It was before Tom had reentered their lives, a time before. 

After a long day of strained negotiations and high tensions, Red slumped in the house exhausted. His only solace was seeing Lizzie at the end of the day, it was all he needed to keep going. It was too late to see baby Agnes, it was long past her bedtime, and he didn’t dare accidently waking her just to get a glimpse of her perfectly sleepy eyes.

So he entered the study and loosened his tie, pouring himself a drink. Taking a seat on the couch he wondered if Lizzie was still up, he knew she had an early day at the office tomorrow, so he assumed she hadn’t stayed up. He tilted his head back and let out a long sigh, the tension of the day rolling off his shoulders. It was comforting to have a place to come home to, people to come home to, a family of some sorts. The house, the kid, the girl, it was all here and it was his.

A smile graced his face, eyes closing, when the door to the study creaked opened. He was happy to see Lizzie saunter across the room in nothing but one of his thin white t-shirts and her black silk panties. Her hair was disheveled from sleep and eyes filled with something Red had come to know well in the past few months, desire.

 

“I’m sorry, sweetheart, did I wake you?” His head tilted as she walked ever so slowly towards him. He uncrossed his legs and sat straight up, preparing himself. However, she didn’t say a word. Instead, she stopped directly in front of him, standing between his opened legs, looking down.

Exhausted and desperate for her touch, he pressed his forehead against her waist, breathing in her smell. His thumbs traced the outline of her hipbones as his fingers gripped her back tighter. He sighed against her underwear, her last line of defense, feeling his resolve crumble. Her fingernails dug through his closely shaved hair, thumbs kneading and pulling. His eyes closed, drunk on her scent, her taste, and the way she felt against his lips.

 

“What are you doing to me Lizzie,” he moaned. His head swung up to meet her downward gaze as she loomed over him.

“I missed you,” her words were more intoxicating than the liquor sloshing around in his blood stream. “I especially missed that talented tongue of yours.” Suddenly his energy was restored, the exhausting day completely forgotten.

__

 

Red drifted into a fitful sleep in his musty, curtain-drawn, cave of hate. Memories good and bad swirled in his head and ate at his sanity until he couldn’t control himself any longer. He gave in to the memory of her smell, the taste of her on his lips, the way she felt in the crook of his arm, sleeping softly on his chest.

__

 

_Just a baby, but she's growing up so fast_

_And I'm allergic to the waiting_

_She's just a baby girl_

_And I love to watch her dance_

_But it's making me go crazy_

 

- _Single_ by The Neighbourhood

 

_And how long must I stay_

_Will I lay by your side_

_Just to say that I'm yours_

_Oh, and you'll never be mine_

_With this love like a hole_

_Swallowed my soul_

_Dragging me down_

_-Litost_ by X Ambassadors 

 

_You see I would have killed Romeo, and saved Juliet_

_But I don't write stories, no, that time won't forget_

_So won't you pass me the kerosene_

_Let's burn to the ground_

_You've been looking for meaning_

_Did you like what you found?_

_Forgive me, I've been lonely_

_But it is not like I don't know my way_

 

 _-Romeo_ by Until The Ribbon Breaks

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song in this chapter was one I couldn't get out of my head. It literally haunted me all week until I had to do something about it. I posted about it, how I wanted it to be used when Red eventually confronts Kirk to get Lizzie back, but since I'm not even TOUCHING that timeline and nuclear bomb, I did what I could to incorporate it in my own way. Hope it wasn't too stupid.


	7. Missed Calls and Trouble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liz wonders where things went wrong as she tries to put Tom back in his place and figure out how to reach out to a distance Red.

“Listen I know you don’t want to call me because you’re afraid you’ll rock the boat, but FYI not calling me rocks the boat. Okay, I love you. Bye.” She ended the voicemail and slid her phone into her back pocket. 

The first signs of trouble were all too apparent for her. She knew Tom was causing a rift, she wasn’t blind, but what Red didn’t understand was that Liz hated him there as much as he did. Somewhere within her, guilt built when it came to Tom. After being a parent, no matter her differences with him, she couldn’t imagine being away from her daughter. How could she do that to Tom? She couldn’t live with herself if she knew she was the reason Agnes never knew her real father, even if Red was all she needed.

She never thought things would be like this with Red. He had really stepped up with Aggie and she couldn’t have been happier. Liz knew it was a risk letting him in, he was already so guarded and cautious when it came to their newly intimate relationship, but to let him into a father role again…Liz went back and forth with her self, the profiler and the mother. The way Agnes lit up around him was enough to settle the debate for her. Red had to be a part of her life, even if things didn’t work out. If there was anyone on Earth who loved Agnes as much as Liz did, Red was a close second. If only he could see that, see how much both her and Agnes love him. He wasn’t ready to believe that anyone could love him like that, with as much devotion as he gave. Liz always tried to be one step ahead of him, her profile on him changing everyday with every new experience. But now he wasn’t answering her phone calls. He hadn’t been home in days. Tom was coming by more and more, pressuring her for dinner, for play dates with Agnes, insisting on being a part of the family he put in danger and the family he left.

 

“Keen, let’s go.” Ressler’s head poked through the door of her office, his strawberry blond hair in perfect place.

“Did we get a lock on him?” Liz turned, grabbing the folder she’d been compiling on their suspect. She was back in action as their lead profiler.

“Aram’s running the trace now,” Donald had been staying closer to Liz with every new case. On some level she knew Donald had a level of protection and guilt since the task force hunted her down. She respected that and recently had come to appreciate the support from the whole team in general. It seemed to happen so fast, the task force becoming her family, as if over night.

Recently she’d been desperate to talk about Red to someone, but she knew what it sounded like. When she and Red came back to the Post Office together and told the task force about their newfound intimacy, they bathed in a stunned silence.

Cooper and Aram congratulated the pair. They’d always known their connection was a complex one filled with a multitude of emotions. Ultimately, they just wanted Liz’s happiness and knew how unconditionally Red cared for her. But Ressler was different. He’d made jokes before about Liz being jealous when Red was with other women, but he had never seriously considered the fact that they could be an item. He was the last one to jump on board and Liz knew he still hadn’t come around. It made rides to crime scenes awkward, tip toeing around the subject that consumed her entire life in and out of the Post Office. She couldn’t tell if he was filled with jealously or some intrinsic sense of disgust for Reddington’s character and criminal background, seeing him as unfit as a partner for Lizzie either way.

If only she hadn’t left that voice mail. If only she’d called one more time. If only she had known that that was the last time Red would step foot into their house. If only she’d made some grand gesture to reaffirm her feelings for this emotionally wrecked man. If only she had skipped the case, given her research to the team, and returned home to see find Dembe packing his things. If only.

 

__

 

 

“I’m telling you, best weekend in Boca Raton I’ve ever had.” A smile filled his face. A light chuckle ended his grandiose story. She loved his laugh, his lips, and his voice.

“I wish I would have been there,” She really did. She longed to be a part of his memories, to be a part of him.

“Me too,” his words were genuine.

He lounged on the couch opposite of her after a long day of work. They could just talk for hours. That’s one of the things she liked most. Every time he opened his mouth she was hypnotized. He could make her laugh until she cried. He quickly became the one she wanted to tell everything to, the one she wanted to cuddle up against when she just felt like falling over, the one to make fun of scary movies with, the one to share a drink with, the one travel the world with. He simply became the one she wanted to spend all her time with. When they had Aggie between them, playing on the floor, or sleeping in their arms, she never felt more at peace.

Her heart ached. She missed him. Every fiber of her being wanted to tell him not to leave, but they just hadn’t been the same for the past couple of weeks. He hadn’t been the same. She convinced herself that he just needed time, maybe they both did, and that they’d find their way back to each other. But it had been two months and still no word.

The days blurred together with the task force. She found herself staying later and later to avoid the time alone in the house she used to share with him, the bed she used to share with him. Tom had been taking more time with Aggie. Even going as far as to set up a room for her in his new place. Personally, she didn’t want anything to do with Tom, but her own daddy issues kept her from causing Agnes any of her own.

She’d gone back and forth about what to do. Running to his door, banging it down, confronting him face to face about leaving in such a cowardly manor. Calling him just one more time even though she knew he wouldn’t pick up. At one point, she even considered orchestrating a case that required his presence and input, just to see him one more time. But he’d fallen off the radar. She didn’t even get the perk of closure. Not with Reddington. When he wanted to disappear, he did, end of story. She had no hope other than the whispers in the back of mind that told her he’d always be there if she needed him. If only there was a way to show him how true that was now.

 

__

 

 

“Red, I’m so sorry! You have to believe me! I didn’t mean to-” BANG. The begging man fell over, blood pooling around the fresh hole in his head.

“Unfortunately Rodrigo, I’m just not in the best of moods.” BANG. BANG.

Two more shots fired off to meet the skulls of the two approaching guards Red knew were just around the corner if the deal went south. BANG. One more above. Red was an excellent shot, he rarely ever missed.

 

“Dembe, call Nicola and tell him the deal is off. I can’t stand for this kind of blatant disrespect in my operation.” Red wiped the splattered blood from his face with his handkerchief, returning the gun in his back holster.

“Raymond,” the tone in Dembe’s voice gave Red pause. He could feel _her_ in his bones, the very idea of her on the tip of conversation caused his body to tense.

“What is it?” His anxiousness starkly opposed the display of power he’d just rendered over his subordinates.

“She called again. I can’t keep telling her you’re busy.”

“Then find something else to say.” Red snipped, irritation seething from his words.

“That anger is misplaced, my brother.” Dembe’s tone was sensitive and endearing.

He really had been most understanding through this whole process. It took Reddington by surprise, sometimes, how much Dembe cared for Lizzie. Dembe was right, Red knew that much. His anger was misplaced. That was the very reason he ceased all communication with Elizabeth and hopped off the grid. He was afraid the anger would redirect to her, like it did with Dembe, when really it stemmed from his self-sabotaging masochistic ideals.

 

__

 

 

“Dembe, I know he’s right there. Put him on the phone damn it!” Elizabeth wanted to cry. She couldn’t believe that after weeks Red was still ignoring her calls.

She slammed the phone down, resigning from her ill-advised efforts.

 

“Everything okay?” Tom entered the study, bouncing Agnes in his arms. 

“Yeah, everything’s fine.” Liz’s tone shifted from pain and sadness to cold steel, defenses raised. 

“Oh please Liz, I know when something’s wrong. Talk to me.” Tom took a seat on the couch, invading yet another memory. She could almost picture Red’s disgusted face sitting on the couch next to him, making some comment about the irony of the situation. A swat of the hand, the fake grin, the disdain his eye, the show he put on for others, sarcasm and charm oozing. God she missed him.

“It’s nothing I can’t handle,” Liz batted away the questions one last time. Standing from behind the desk, she took Agnes from his arms and sat her down to play. Her daughter’s smile was infectious, the power to bring sunshine and love.

“You know, you can hate me all you want Lizzie. You can even say our life was a living hell, but we really made something special.” Tom gazed at his daughter, the one he’d only just started to really get to know. She tried with all her might to separate the two, Tom the ex and Tom the father. She wanted to give Tom the father a genuine chance in Aggie’s life and she knew that was the very heart of her problem with Red. He would never be able to separate the two and only be able to see Tom for the man he turned out to be. 

Tom was unusually quiet. He’d stayed just a bit too long after dropping Aggie off. Liz didn’t want to know what came next.

 

“You know, I’ve been thinking.” That’s how he started. That’s all Liz needed to hear to remember what she really wanted. Her eyes lingered on the phone one last time, willing it to ring. “Maybe Aggie needs a real family, not bouncing around from house to house for the rest of her life.”

“She has a family,” Liz regretted the words as soon as she spoke them.

“He’s gone Liz. He left you and he left Agnes. He’s a criminal, he’ll jump around from place to place and always put you and our daughter in danger.”

“You’re a criminal, Tom, in case you forget that part of your life. Just because you’re out playing super spy now with Hargrave doesn’t give you carte blanche to send out righteous heroic judgment whenever you want.” Liz scooped up Agnes and rose to her feet. “I think it’s time for you to leave.”

“Liz, you can’t disregard the past couple of weeks. The dinners, the talks, the time.” Tom wouldn’t move. 

“You’re the father of my child, I will never deny you that. But that’s all it is, you are part of my past and I’m working hard to move forward.”

“Move forward with him? He’s even scummier than me. You don’t know the half of it.” Tom’s anger quickly got the best of him as he loomed over her aggressively 

“It’s time for you to go.” Standing her ground, Liz glared coolly back.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…” Tom backed down and shuffled towards the door, his words retreating with him. He left. Liz sighed with relief, memories of bad times with Tom flooding back into her mind. She tucked Aggie into her crib and sang her a lullaby to send the protruding memories back to their resting place.

“You and me Aggie, that’s all the family we need.” Liz kissed the top of her precious head and turned out the lights.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter was so short and that it seemed to jump around a bit, but in my head that's how these things work. I can't imagine either character being able to think straight after having something so amazing and being kicked out of paradise. Reliving the good, dwelling on every little detail of the bad, self-reflection, self-blame, that kind of stuff. 
> 
> I'm working towards a nice ending, but the last few chapters will take a little more time and planned out thought. So bare with me.
> 
> Thanks to everyone whose actually read this! It means a lot, I mainly just do it to fuel my own Lizzington fire, but if it's making other's somewhat happy too then all the better! (I didn't think anyone would actually read this tbh but I love love love the feedback and nice comments so ty)


	8. Nicola Calis (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dancing, tuxes, gun shots, and heated whispers. This chapter has it all! It also has a lot dejected glances, unspoken words, and angst. It's time to get the team back together to catch an elusive blacklister dipping into the blind spots of both the Task Force and Raymond Reddington.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA:  
> I'm not great at writing blacklisters. I mean there's a reason this show is so good and it's because the writers really know how to write some intriguing plots! That's why I usually just stick to the intimate Lizzington moments they avoid. But SOMETIMES you gotta go out of your comfort zone to bring characters together in their natural Lizzington element, i.e. catching blacklisters. So please be gentle!
> 
> ALSO!
> 
> The song I had in my head for the dance (God I love when they dance) was "Solitude" by M83. I just saw them in concert last week and it gave me all the feels. Give it a listen when you get to that part! It won't disappoint! Reminds me of an old James Bond film which is perfect for when Red and Lizzie spring into action (;

__

 

Ressler howled angrily as the blip on the GPS vanished into thin air. The trail went cold. Lost again to the wind. Liz’s fists clenched uncontrollably, she knew what came next. Harold had been begging her to find Reddington and bring him back to the Post Office. This was one blacklister they couldn’t catch on their own, no matter the resources. Nicola Calis had somehow avoided and fooled the FBI at every turn, disappearing into the blind spots of the system, the parts Raymond Reddington knew too well.

 

“It’s time,” Donald growled. As much as he hated to admit it, they needed Red’s help.

“I already told you and Harold, he’s not returning my calls. I’m done trying.” Liz glared out the window, watching the empty buildings go by. The large floor-to-ceiling windows of the modern industrial apartment buildings caught her attention as they glided by. She looked into the windows of other’s lives, observing the snapshots of humanity. Families having dinner, a father spinning a child around in the air, a dog chasing an immobile toy, a couple snuggled on the couch, in for the night, a man alone at his computer the dull blue screen lighting his face. Normal lives. There was a time in her life when she thought she wanted that. When she wanted her cake and to eat it to, how foolish she was.

 

“Keen,” Donald’s insistent voice broke her trance. He must have been calling her name a few times, or so the irritation would denote.

“I can’t Ressler.”

“If you won’t, we will.” Ressler turned into the Post Office garage, through the security gate, and towards the underground entrance.

“You won’t find him, when he’s gone he’s gone. He’s not a dog, he bends to no one.” Keen slammed her door and flashed her badge one more time at the elevator checkpoint.

“He bends over for you,” Ressler mumbled. 

“Low blow even for you,” Keen side eyed Donald. It was good to have her partner back. He smiled at her playfully. “He’ll come back Liz, he loves you, simple as that.” Liz was shocked. Part of her wanted to hug him. It was what she needed to hear and from the last person she expected to hear it from. 

“Now, who’s going to tell Cooper we lost Calis again?” Ressler buttoned his suit jacket and stepped off the elevator into the Post Office headquarters.

 

__

 

“Red, he vanished again. At this rate we’re gonna have a hard time securing the southern boarder.” Maslow pulled a few documents containing rigorous charts and numbers. Maslow had been a recent addition to Red’s team, dealing with the math and algorithms that kept his operation running smoothly. He was a nice kid, a genius when it came to numbers, and Red was quite fond of him.

“What’s the projection?” The wind whipped through the runway strip where Red stood. His plane was just about to take off when Maslow’s car had raced up the runway.

“We’ll take a thirty percent hit, if this continues… We have to get Nicola in check.” Maslow pushed his glasses in place. He’d never had to deal with a displeased Red before, business had been booming as of late, at least on his end. 

“We’re no longer on redeemable terms. This is a disposal. I’ll have Dembe get the team ready.” Red turned to board his plane.

“But we don’t even have a location!” Maslow called out. Red froze two steps away from the door of the jet. Slowly he turned around, assessing the boy. His mood hadn’t improved. The poor boy was in a sweat.

“Nothing? How can we have nothing?” Red hissed. 

“He dropped off the radar, it seems even the feds are having a hard time tracking him down.” Maslow scrolled furiously through his tablet, tapping and swiping for answers.

“Which division?” Red signaled for Dembe to give him another minute as he approached Maslow once again. 

“Its your FBI team. I thought you would have known that already, they’ve been on the case for a few weeks. It seems they have less to go on than us.” Maslow chuckled uncomfortably, trying to ease the tension in Red’s piercing eyes. 

“Nicola Calis has been our distributor on the southern boarder for ten years and you’re telling me we have no way of obtaining his location?” Red’s head tilted, waiting for answer. No one evaded Raymond Reddington.

“Maybe if you hadn’t shot all his men a few weeks ago at the warehouse he wouldn’t have expanded North so aggressively. He knew which buttons to press. Unfortunately, as I said before, he seems to be attracting some heat.” Red appreciated Maslow’s candor, even if he had no mood for snide remarks. That’s why he hired the boy, for his honesty and calculation. He took a breath in and extended his arm to pat Maslow on the shoulder affectionately.

“He’s reckless and greedy. I guess my message wasn’t clear enough. I’ll have to deliver it personally this time.” Red turned around and finally boarded his plane.

It was a bumpy take off, just like everything else lately. Red glared at the culmination of darkening clouds brewing outside the plexiglass window. Dembe’s hand tapped his shoulder lightly, extending his work phone towards him.

 

“Tell the captain we have a change of plans.” Red announced as the call ended. It only a few moments but it left Red in a very different mood.

 

__

 

Liz tossed and turned that night. She didn’t handle failure well, let alone repeated failure. She knew the others thought she was being selfish by not calling Reddington, but she knew it was out of cowardice. She didn’t want to admit that she no longer had any pull over him. She didn’t want to have another phone call rejected. She didn’t need to hear the pity in Dembe’s voice again. That was a whole knew kind of failure.

She got into work early the next morning after sleep evaded her. Hunched over her desk, Ressler arrived only a few minutes behind her with donuts. Liz couldn’t remember the last time she ate, Tom had kept Agnes for the past few nights while she wrapped up late nights on the case, so she was pretty off her home schedule.

 

“You look like you could use this more than me,” Ressler pushed his coffee in front of her. His smile was reassuring, comforting even. “Don’t worry, I’ll go make another cup.” He read her mind. They were back in their grove.

Like clockwork, the team started rolling in at seven. Everyone seemed to be a bit down except for Aram, his smiling face greeting his co-workers and exchanging pleasantries. Ressler left to get the morning debrief from Cooper who shuffled quickly into his office. Not a good sign. They had no leads, nothing to report, and everyone knew it. Aram tapped lightly on Liz’s slightly cracked door.

 

“Come in,” Liz barely lifted her head from the documents in front of her. She had to have missed something. Maybe a safe house, or deceased family member’s estates, maybe he had some family friends who could take him in, something.

“Agent Keen,” Aram started in. “Oh geez. Are you okay? Did Agnes keep you up again?” He hovered towards the door, waiting for further invitation.

“No, I’ve just been… What can I do for you Aram?” Liz flipped to the next sheet, papers shuffling loudly, almost hiding the crack in Aram’s voice.

“Right, well, I just wanted to come in here and warn you personally that-” He couldn’t get his warning out fast enough.

“Really? I must say, as if I haven’t been here enough. Yes Fredrick, that is a gun, the same gun I’ve carried since you started working here.” His voice boomed through the industrial halls of the Post Office. Aram’s eyes grew large with fear as Liz snapped up to meet them. Their gazes locked in silent communication.

“Harold, how are you?” She could see him now out of the corner of her eye. Shaking Cooper’s hand, he was all smiles. He was dressed impeccably from head to toe in all black, his hat hung low at an angle. Liz’s stomach did summersaults as she slammed files closed.

“Crap,” Aram whispered. “Liz I’m so sorry, I really wanted to tell you before this happened. I called Mr. Reddington last night, I didn’t think he’d pick up.” Aram’s words spilled out like a freight train going a thousand miles an hour. Liz could barely focus though. Her head became light and she felt dizzy. _Focus_ , she thought, _just breathe Elizabeth_.

“Aram,” Harold called. “Let’s get the briefing up and running.” Aram swallowed hard and straightened his tie, giving Liz one last apologetic glance before returning to his desk. Elizabeth watched as Red greeted Aram with open arms, more pleasantries were exchanged, but Aram couldn’t stop glancing back into Keen’s office.

He didn’t even look phased. Liz could barely focus on anything Cooper was saying. Instead she found solace in her case files and field notes, clinging desperately to the idea that she missed something. Every time Reddington spoke to offer some bit of cryptic and evasive information, her focus broke, chest tightened, eyes blurred. Anxiety filled her throat, all the unspoken words, pleading late night voice mails, and empty bottles of vodka seemed to amass into one giant lump expanding slowly in her chest.

 

“Keen,” Harold’s voice was insistent. She must have been dazed out and missed her name being called a few time, again. She cursed under her breath and lifted her head. She was careful to keep her eyes forward, avoiding any eye contact with him.

“Sorry,” she squeaked out. _Damn_ , she screamed internally. Now he’ll know she’s affected. While he’s over there, being mister cool, calm, and collected. She cleared her throat and sat up straighter.

“Anything new to add Keen?” Harold’s voice was hard. He was all business, no sympathy for the weak right now. That would come later. Her mind raced, eyes scanning the screen. Pictures of Calis and his known associates, former safe houses, and then something caught her eye.

“What’s that?” She pointed towards an image tucked away in the corner. She stood, getting closer to the screen. The lump vanished as words and images from the case files she’d pored over for weeks connected and piled behind her eyes. Aram enlarged the photo of a large mansion, traditional white, decorative fountains, something out of a drug lord’s endgame wish list.

“Reddington’s intel,” Cooper gestured and just like that the lump resurfaced. She fought hard to push it down and finally she met Red’s eyes sternly. She had the home field advantage and now, she had the answers.

“That’s where he is,” Liz said confidently. “That’s the Menendez house, it’s one of the last connections he has in the states. Damian’s an old family friend, one of the few bridges he hasn’t burned.” All the information made sense, started to click, it was the missing piece to her impossible puzzle and of course Red provided it. She hated to admit it, but she might not have come to the conclusion without him.

“That thing’s a fortress, there’s no way we’re getting in there. Damian Menendez is the largest crime boss in Vegas.” Ressler moved forward, directing Aram towards old FBI files to bring up.

“Lucky for you Donald, I work outside the law.” Red smiled challengingly in Ressler’s direction, always trying to one up each other. The pissing contest was never ending between these two. Ressler stared coolly fending off Red’s antagonizing glare, but he couldn’t help but look back warily towards Liz.

“What’s your plan for infiltration?” Cooper broke the silent electricity crackling through the air. A moment of silence passed as Red continued to glare at Ressler before he turned around to answer Harold.

“His niece is getting married at his estate this weekend. Every family member and friend will be in attendance. It’s promised to be quite the affair.” Red smiled tightly.

“Good. Take Keen as your date, I’m not letting you go in there alone. I want this man alive, Reddington, no sudden moves.” Cooper glanced at Liz, his stoic manner detraining. He knew what he was doing. The team dispersed, except for Liz, Red, and Ressler. Donald watched protectively, waiting to see who would make the first move.

“Liz, I can go if you-” Ressler broke the silence.

“Nonsense Donald, you’re really just not my type.” Red waved a dismissive hand and walked back towards the lift. That’s when Liz saw Dembe for the first time. He approached her from out of the shadows of the post office.

“A car will be at your house to pick you up in an hour, we’ll have to leave immediately if you’re going to make it to the wedding on time.” Dembe shifted uncomfortably, debating something in his head. Finally he hugged her quickly. “I’m sorry Elizabeth,” he whispered before walking back off to join Red. Liz’s eyes met Red’s for the first time without any pretenses, as he stood in the elevator waiting for his friend. Without any words and smiles to shield him, she could see the misery seeping behind his eyes. It matched her own.

 

Liz rushed home and began packing her things. She called Tom and asked him to watch Agnes for the weekend. He questioned her intensely about where she was going, but she avoided answering, claiming it was classified. He could feel the real reason behind her evasive words. They both knew it. They had lied to each other for long enough to recognize when the other’s words were deceptive and dodgy. Frustrated and jealous, Tom hung up the phone. Though their relationship was damaged beyond repair, she rested in reassurance that Tom loved Agnes and would take care of her to the best of his ability. She pushed the unsettling phone call from her head as she searched for a suitable dress to wear to the wedding. One that was long enough to hide her leg holster but tempting enough to distract a few guards. She knew just the one. 

__

 

Raymond scolded himself. His arrogance had gotten the better of him. That was _not_ how it was supposed to go, he thought angrily. Why didn’t he think of Damian? Of course that’s where Nicola was hiding, it made perfect sense, and yet he would have never come to the conclusion himself. Lizzie was as brilliant as ever, back at the top of her game, clearly. He could see the anxiety on her face though, as she looked through her documents, but when push came to shove she was as feisty and cunning as ever.

His heart nearly gave out right then. His guilt was more palpable than ever as Dembe drove them back to the hotel. He should have said something, offered some word of apology, some sort of excuse for the two-month disappearance. He wanted to tell her everything. He wanted to explain his self-sabotaging and destructive nature, his insecurity as a father and as her lover. But instead he would have to settle for the last look they exchanged as he stood in that elevator bay.

 

__

 

The plane ride was nearly silent. Red was already seated in the corner on his phone conducting business when she boarded. He was dressed for the party in a dashing three-piece Armani tuxedo with a skinny black tie loosely undone for the plane ride down. He’d steal cautious glances in her direction whenever he could, taking her in. Part of him thought he was hallucinating. She was more beautiful than the haunting memories that his drunken dreams conjured up. She wore a dark maroon crisscross midi-dress that revealed the skin between her breasts. He had never seen her wear it before, at least not with him. The gown was so daring and yet sophisticated, he knew he wouldn’t be able to put two words together while he was in the presence that dress. This was going to be a long flight.

 

…

 

The wedding’s after party provided enough distraction for the two to breeze through security, their weapons still strapped carefully in place. Red retrieved two drinks from a passing cocktail waitress and handed one to his date.

 

“You look ravishing Lizzie,” his soft words finally broke their silence.

“Where have you been?” She couldn’t help herself. The words jumped out of her mouth before she could raise her defenses again. The pained and strained words struck Red’s heart directly as he took a log sip from his drink.

“Let’s dance, shall we?” He took their drinks and placed them on the nearest table. He took her hand and twirled her out onto the dance floor. He gripped her closely, distance be damned, he missed her immensely and he knew he couldn’t contain himself any longer, nor did he want to. 

She kept quiet, embarrassed from her former outburst. Her eyes darted over his shoulder, scanning the room for guards, exits, and suspects. She’d gone back into agent mode. He’d lost her already. The regret that had welled in his chest early began to resurface and he knew it was now or never. If he didn’t explain now, or offer some sort of semblance of explanation, their relationship might reach a point of no return.

 

“I couldn’t compete with him, I knew that much, so I left.” His words were matter of fact and his tone, even. Her eyes snapped back from reconnaissance to meet his.

“Compete with whom?” She knew the answer, but she didn’t want it to be true. How could he feel insecure over Tom of all people? He knew exactly what Tom was and what he had become to her. If anything, she wished Red could be there to protect her from Tom, to keep Tom away instead of what was happening now.

“He’ll always be the father of your child Lizzie. He’ll always be weaved into the fabric of you and your daughter’s life. I can’t replace that, not while he’s still here.” Red adjusted his grip and spun her around. He couldn’t stand to see the confusion and guilt in her eyes when he knew it was his fault, his insecurity that was to blame.

He gripped her hips and pulled her back into his chest, his head hovering just over her right shoulder. The commanding and enchanting music of the string quartet mixed with the soft and whispering words the lead singer launched Red into an intimate dance.

 

_Somewhere_

_Back in time_

_I left a part of me_

_I wanna see if you can try_

_To bring it back to me_

 

One of Red’s hands travelled forward and pressed firmly against her stomach while the other clasped desperately to her smooth hip. He was getting distracted. He had to be on high alert. He knew just how dangerous it was for him to be at this party. If only she hadn’t worn _this_ dress, maybe he could put his thoughts back together. He was careful not to press too close to her though, not needing to get _too_ distracted, that is.

 

“Raymond,” she breathed. His name on her lips was his kryptonite. Before he could think, his mouth went straight to her neck. She pushed her head back and grinded up against him. Their electricity was just too much for either of them to control.

“I’m a mess without you Lizzie,” he whispered into her ear, biting at her lobe. That’s when she turned around and took his head in bother of her hands.

“You will always be more of father to her than Tom ever could be,” he could see the strain in her eyes. It took everything in her power to continue their talk. She defended herself in words. Their relationship was founded on words, on trust, and he had broken it by running away. He could see that as her lip quivered. But he was trapped in her grasp, trapped in her stare, trapped in her spell. Trapped, until he heard one little word.

“Guards!” A familiar voice screamed. Raymond’s eyes snapped shut angrily. How had his guard been down so low? How could he have been so distracted? 

“Wait, I think I’ve seen him before.” Lizzie pulled away from Red to get a better look at the young boy who had just blown their entire operation and possibly cost both of them their lives. It certainly cost Red his night.

“You have. That’s Bobby Menendez. I _might_ have shot him in the foot a year or two ago. Seems like he’s still holding a grudge.” Red slipped briskly back into the Concierge of Crime, quickly formulating an escape plan.

“You mean the kid we pulled off the Senator’s daughter that night at the concert? Damn it Red.” In a flash, she grabbed his hand and sprinted towards a long hallway on the outer edge of the house. Shots were fired after them with the thump of heavy footsteps in pursuit. They each pulled their guns and stepped into rhythm, watching each other’s blind spots.

 

“Ten guards on the East wing. Two posted on the balcony.” Red barked.

“There’s an escape tunnel below us, five hundred feet. We’ll have to cut through the house, find the basement stairs on the north end.” Liz pushed open the double doors at the end of the hall, entering the spotless white mansion.

“Two should be,” Liz was interrupted by two perfectly aimed shots, fired by Red, into the skulls of the mafia oafs posted inside the house.

“Around the bend and past the study,” Liz commanded and led forward. She had memorized the floor plan of the house with all the free time she had on the plane. Now she was glad Reddington had refused to talk, it was going to keep them alive for the time being. 

They moved fast, Red bringing up the rear, providing cover fire as Liz searched the long dark hallway for the stairs. Liz tried to door to no avail, it was locked. Red fire a few more shots before joining her with a protective and ferocious look. Without another thought she fired three rounds just above the handle, shattering the lock. In her tall heels and gorgeous dress, she planted a hard front kick into the door, smashing it open. Red cocked an eyebrow and gave her an impressed half smile. From around the corner came another goon, raising his gun quickly at Elizabeth. In one swift motion Red’s arm wrapped around her waist and the two disappeared down the stairs.

 

__

 

“Words cannot express my disappointment. I sent you two out specifically because of your ability to fill out each other’s weaknesses and yet you became just that,” Cooper paused, “each other’s weakness!” Red stood off in the corner while Elizabeth sat quietly in front of Harold’s desk.

“It won’t happen again Sir,” Keen apologized.

“You’re right. It won’t. You two are going to sit here and figure out your situation before more criminals get away.” Cooper stood to leave. “Fix it. Now.” His authority loomed over Reddington and Elizabeth, not from his position as Director of the FBI’s counter-terrorism unit but from the fatherly respect he had earned throughout the task force. He slammed the door and they were alone for the first time in months.

Neither talked. Neither knew where to start. Reddington had always turned to sex to resolve quarrels with past lovers, but Lizzie wasn’t just another lover. Fear of screwing the situation up any further gripped him tightly, not even a coy remark could escape his lips. She didn’t turn around to meet his eyes, but he didn’t leave either. After minutes of silence he knew he had to say something.

 

“Where is Agnes now?” He knew the answer. He’d been keeping a sharp eye on Agnes ever since she was born. These past two months were no exception.

“Tom has had her for the weekend,” she wasn’t about to lie even though she knew how much the truth would hurt.

“You can’t trust him Lizzie, even with the best of intentions.” Red stayed still, his voice deadpan.

“And what was I supposed to do? Take her on a mission with me? Keep her with a sitter until one in the morning while we work late nights on cases? You left and he was the only one I could turn to.” Her words bit into him. He would rather have her physically hit him than turn his leaving against him. He couldn’t meet her eyes, glancing instead out the window of Harold’s office down at the task force.

Ressler was livid, pacing and raving at Cooper. Dembe stood watchful by the elevator. Aram was nervous, the way he was hunched over his keyboard, he felt responsible for the outcome. He was the one who called Red. Samar stood quietly, observing Ressler and Cooper’s discussion, until she looked up towards his office. She locked eyes with Red challengingly, he didn’t look away, only tilted his head inquisitively. Why would Samar be angry with him?

 

“What do you want from me Red? What’s my play?” Liz broke his gaze and train of thought, finally standing to confront him.

“I have never asked anything of you Lizzie and I never will. There is no play to be made here.” Red’s inquisitive head slant was then directed towards Liz.

“That’s not what I asked,” she approached him again. His breathing hitched for a moment, her feral eyes catching him off guard.

“I’m…” He couldn’t find the words. He was distracted by her lips, which were gently parting as she got closer and closer.

“Tell me,” her voice was demanding. He gave in.

“I want Tom gone. I don’t want him competing for you attention like a schoolboy with a grudge. I don’t want him manipulating Agnes her whole life, just to get closer to you. He’ll see her as nothing more than a bargaining chip to pull on your heartstrings.” Red stood up straight, no longer leaning against the wall. “I don’t want Agnes to grow attached to that reckless sociopath who will only end up hurting and leaving her.”

Liz stopped dead in her tracks. This was not the answer she expected. She was prepared for something along the lines of, _I want to be the only man in your life_ , but it all came back to that sweet little girl.

 

“He loves her Raymond, even if he isn’t the best father.” Liz didn’t know why she was defending him. She personally wanted nothing to do with him and she had hoped she could explain that to Red and make this all go away. But it wasn’t enough that Tom was out of her personal life. It was Agnes’ life that he was concerned about. 

“I know his type. It doesn’t matter how much he loves her. They can’t help it, they hurt the ones they love.” He paused, choosing his words carefully. “We’re monsters.”

There it was. The real confession wrapped in faux demands. The insecurity of his own destructive fatherhood loomed quietly in his heart, killing his confidence and holding him back from destroying another family. He met her eyes challengingly. He did his best to scare her away, to push her back, but she didn’t move. They stared at each other for a long time, what seemed like decades, it was incredibly intimate.

 

“There’s nothing I can do to erase your past or absolve you of your guilt. I can only ask the man I love to be apart of my family and to be a part of me.” Liz caressed his face softly, comforting the broken man before her.

“As for Tom, he’s the only stepping up to the plate right now and quite frankly I can’t do this alone.” Liz’s voice broke as a tear slid down her cheek. “And that scares me.”

She stepped back from Red and reached for the door. And just like that, she was gone. Red was left standing alone in the room, weak. It took a few minutes for him to compose himself before he could exit the room and face the task force, face Dembe. He had to avoid the numb embrace of alcohol, and instead turn the pain into anger, into revenge. He couldn’t go after her, not tonight. Not yet. He was going to catch Calis on his own and finish this himself.

 

 

__

 

 

Somewhere  
Back in time  
I left a part of me  
I wanna see if you can try  
To bring it back to me

You gotta go  
Where I cry  
I'm taking on the tears  
I wanna see if you can try  
Drink a little bit of it

No  
No

Just a little lonely  
Where I am  
I'm ticking back in time  
I wanna see if you can spot  
You finally calm my head at night

I need you  
No I don't  
Just keep me one more time  
While I try to be a friend  
So it can be the end

No  
No

No  
No

- _Solitude_ by M83

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was one of the longer chapters and the story is finally drawing to a close! If there's any requests for specific situations you'd like to see before this fic is over, let me know in the comments below! Or you know, just sit back silently and watch how it unfolds within the next week. Thanks for all the Lizzington love (; this is going to be a painful hiatus.


	9. Nicola Calis (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Liz and Red's unstable reunion, they still can't seem to put their pieces back together. Both equally head strong and determined, they decided to go after Nicola Calis separately. Disaster quickly ensues, leaving both sides to scramble to the rescue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for how long it's been since I posted a chapter. Things have gotten rather hectic, but I promise the last chapter won't take as long. Hope this one isn't too much of a disappointment!

Light broke through in streams giving her glimpses of shadowy figures. Her irises grew large. They were desperate to take in anything they could to avoid the complete and utter darkness of her isolated cell. She’d lost track of the time, the minutes, the hours, possibly days. She’d trained for this, to resist interrogation and torture. She was a field officer after all. But this was different, this wasn’t clinical or tactical, this felt personal. There was no face time, no demands, no newspaper ransoms, only pain. Her stomach tightened, muscles clenched, she could hear footsteps and faintly smell smoke in the air. It was time. Again. 

“What do you want from me?!” Liz shrieked. Pulling her by the arms they dragged her struggling and taunt body across the dusty concrete floor out of the dank chamber and into the light of the hallway. She continued to scream for help until a swift kick to the kidneys caused her to cough and choke, bile rising in the back of her throat.

No response was given and the same routine commenced. Water. Gasping. Fighting. Water. Gasping. Air. She needed air. More water. Just when she thought her lungs would collapse and she’d been given the sweet release of death she’d be wrenched back to the world of living, still blindfolded, and hauled back into the abyss of her cell. Back to darkness and silence. The only sounds she had were that of her labored breathing and dull moans of pain. There was no way out of this never-ending pattern of torture and yet she still fought. 

It gave him purpose to continue. It gave him something new and exciting to film every time he watched his men drag her to the chamber. Nicola had never taken such a unique interest in the tortures he employed but he knew he wasn’t the only one watching. The flashing red light alerted him that there were other eyes, but only one pair of eyes mattered to him. Nicola’s devilish smile filled the camera’s lens only to be removed to show Elizabeth Keen’s horrific torture, giving a visual to the desperate screams that echoed throughout the feed.

 

__

  

“Here’s what we know so far,” Cooper’s urgent tone filled the somber halls of the Post Office. “Elizabeth Keen has been MIA for nearly twenty hours. New leads show her being abducted from her home, but they stop there. Luckily, we know that Keen’s baby was elsewhere during the time of the abduction and is presumed safe, for the time being. We’re sending a team to Tom’s. For now though, we should assume Scottie’s people are handling the safety of Agnes.” 

“It has to be Calis, there’s no one else even remotely on our radar with this kind of motive.” Ressler’s rage got the better of him as he cut Harold off.

“And what motive is that? We’re just investigators, Nicola Calis has been on the FBI’s radar for a long time, what makes this any different?” Samar challenged. She wanted it to be anyone but Calis. She knew the kind of cruel and sadistic reputation he had with his enemies and she couldn’t imagine the kinds of things he’d do to Liz if he truly did have her. 

“Reddington. I don’t think he’s been completely forthright about his relationship with Calis. This is personal. You don’t abduct someone from their home unless it is. He could have grabbed any of us with less trouble or security and yet he chose her. To grab her where she’s safest. This has Red written all over it.” Donald couldn’t hide his malice with the last statement. Just when he was beginning to trust the man he breaks his partner’s heart. Runs. He’s first and foremost a criminal and Ressler knew that, he had to.

 

“Aram, have you made contact with Reddington since the time of the abduction?” Cooper defused the tension.

“No, the calls aren’t going through.”

“We have to assume he knows then,” Samar seceded to reality.

“We can’t assume anything,” Ressler stormed off to his office determined to put the pieces together that he knew Keen would have seen in a heartbeat.

“If Ressler’s right and this is personal, then we have to assume Mr. Reddington knows. Calis would _need_ him to know he has Agent Keen.” Aram wanted to do something, anything, but his hands were effectively tied.

 

Legally, they could do nothing. They had no trace as to where Calis had gone and no ways for Aram to pin point him. He could go through back doors, tracing his money, his off shore accounts, activity, but that would require a warrant, which he knew they couldn’t ask for. Almost no one in the bureau knew that Reddington is their informant and they couldn’t risk giving that information up for a warrant to _maybe_ find the last time he called his grandmother on the grid. The ball was in Mr. Reddington’s court, Aram knew that much, he just wished there was some way he could help.

 

__

 

 

“How did he know? Do we know where he’s taken her? What he plans on doing with her?” Raymond was furious, beyond furious, to the point of an eerie calm.

“We assume he made the connection at the wedding…” Dembe knew he had to be the cool head, the practical one. He needed to get Elizabeth back, not just for Raymond’s sake, but also for his own. She was family and of that he had few.

“Impossible. I’ve gone to many events with various women who are of little to no consequence to me. Most are colleagues and the few who aren’t certainly didn’t mean enough to warrant this kind of action.” Red filled a bag and reached for his pistol. He was preparing for a war.

“Sir, there’s a phone call for-” Maslow stumbled through the door, nervous and sweaty.

“Not now,” Red barked.

“It’s important, I really think you should take it.” The boy extended the phone in his direction.

“Who is it?” Red’s glance narrowed, his brain going a thousand miles a minute.

“Aldric.” Maslow didn’t know the name but from what he was told on the phone he knew that it was a matter of life or death that Red took the call.

Red snatched the phone and pressed it to his ear. He mumbled Aldric’s name in his deep honey soaked voice, concerning and odious all in one. He was greeted with a heavy panting breath and raspy hustled tones.

 

“I’m so sorry Raymond, I didn’t mean to… I’m not a strong man. You know that. But.” 

**Bang**.

Ears ringing, he quickly removed the phone, instinctively hunched. He could hear the phone drop on the other end. The line went silent until he heard footsteps approaching. Finally a dark muffled voice extended a greeting.

 

“Nicola,” Red said in a playful tone. It was important he showed no weakness now.

“Even your closest friends will betray you Raymond and that’s just not good for business. I went ahead and took care of it for you. Don’t worry.” The playfulness subsided only to be replaced with anger doused in menacing threats.

“I will teach you the true consequences of your actions Raymond.” Quiet breathing filled his ears as Calis began to whisper. “Starting with her.” The line went dead.

 

Raymond closed the flip phone calmly, taking a look at his surroundings. He then hurled the phone as hard as he could against the bedroom wall. His eyes clenched. He half sat - half fell onto the bed. Liz’s bed. He reached his hand out to touch the sheets she should have been sleeping on in this soft Sunday morning light. The house smelled of her. It only made things worse.

 

“Find Nicola. We’re leaving now.” The room went silent. Everyone from his security team to his analysts were afraid to move, afraid of what Red might do next. He knew he’d only be satisfied when Nicola’s beating heart was in his hands and Lizzie was safe. He’d rip the damn thing out himself if he had to.

 

__

 

“I asked myself, what is Raymond Reddington’s most valuable asset? What can I take from him to show him the true consequences of his ruthless and unchecked actions? He’s a little bit of a tyrant. His way or the highway, but I’m sure _you_ of all people understand that.” Calis shook his head and took a deep breath. “Look at me, getting off track.

“I looked to his friends, our mutual colleagues. He has no family to speak of, none living anyway. His friends are certainly few and far between. There were many women,” he snickered. “But none that would really convey the gravity of what he’s done to my family and I.” Calis stopped his pacing, standing directly before her.

“But then, a little birdy told me about _you_.” He ripped the bag off Elizabeth’s head allowing a flood of light to overpower her senses. She recoiled and shielded her sensitive light-starved eyes. 

“He tried to keep you secret.” Calis took up his pacing again. “Most would never believe the great Ray Reddington had such a weakness, besides his lack of humanity that is.”

 

Lack of humanity, clearly this man didn’t know Red as well as he thinks he does. _Or maybe he does_ , part of her worried. Liz was quick to scan her surroundings. She counted eight men. It was a large empty warehouse and hot climate. Over-hang rafters above her, guards patrolling, and guns. Lots of guns. 

She recognized the man instantly as Nicola Calis, the man they’d been chasing for the past few months. She hadn’t had the chance to see him in person after the botching for the wedding mission in Vegas, but now she wished she didn’t have the pleasure. She could barely focus on his words, but rather his gun and itchy trigger finger. She needed to stall, because whatever he had planned was clearly coming to a head. She feared that when that happened, she would be left without one.

 

“What are you even talking about?” She played the fool. Nothing like a theatrical villain revealing his motives and plots. She pegged him as a Grade-A narcissist, desperate for attention, vindication, and validation almost immediately. 

“Don’t play dumb with me, Elizabeth, I happen to know you’re anything but.” Calis bent down until he was nearly nose-to-nose with her. His breath reeked of old liquor and stale cigars. He traced the cool metal tip of his gun against the side of her face. “Even if you are such a pretty face, I know there’s a brain in there somewhere.”

“There’s no end game where make it out of here alive,” Liz set her sights on analyzing. She needed to know everything she could, get whatever advantage there was to have.

“That may be so, but I promise sweetheart, neither will you.” He stepped back with a snide grin. “Lock her up.”

  

__

  

“Mr. Reddington I swear I don’t know-”

“Please Michael stop. You’re his bank.”

“I haven’t heard from-” His eyes started to drift away, contemplating his level of commitment to his employer.

“Michael.” His commanding tone brought all eyes to him. His tight smile became threatening, head nodding. “It would be a shame if innocent lives got caught in the crossfire. Though, let’s be honest, you’re not all that innocent are you?”

“Listen, listen. Let’s just all calm down. I’ll do everything in my power to help, I just need time.” Michael’s throat and lips went dry as the nerves set in. He knew Reddington’s reputation, that’s why he had chosen to work with Nicola instead.

“Unfortunately, time is a commodity I have little of at the moment.” Reddington quickly fired off a warning shot. Shivers ran down Michael’s spine.

“Fuck, Red, okay.” Michael retrieved his phone and began to punch in a number. A few phone calls in various languages later, he had a location.

“Give the numbers to the Maslow and get his team on it. I want to know every option we have for infiltration.”

“The team won’t be able to leave immediately, they’ll need more time to prepare.”

“Then I’ll meet you there.” With that, Red sent Dembe on his way.

“What about me?” Michael gulped.

“Chose better friends next time.” Just like that, Red started his crusade. A quick shot to the head and the banker fell in a pool of his own blood.

 

__

  

“I know where they are,” Aram burst through the doors of Cooper’s office. Throwing his laptop on the desk, his finger pointed to the abandoned black site warehouse. “There’s just one problem…”

“Besides the current one we’re in?” Harold’s irritation seeped into his words.

“Um, it appears Mr. Reddington is already en route. His team is not with him.” 

  
“He’s playing right into Calis’ hand. What the hell is he doing?” Cooper leapt from his desk and out the door.

“Dembe and his team are leaving any moment,” Samar caught Harold off guard.

“And we’re going with him,” Ressler took a stand by her side.

 

__

 

The emptiness of the plane ate through his anger and resigned him to fear. He wanted to run to Liz’s rescue instead of fly in on this cushy jet. It would have been slower, yes, impractical, absolutely, impossible, most likely, but at least he’d be doing something, exerting some will, to save Lizzie. Oh what the hell was he going to do when he got there? He had no plan, back up was too far on the way, and worst of all, he knew he was walking into a trap. Nicola was intelligent. That’s why he’d picked him, groomed him, and made for a powerful enemy.

Lizzie had no idea what she was thrown into. No idea the kind of man Nicola had turned into. It was all his fault. If Red had finished what he had started so long ago, maybe he wouldn’t be in this situation now. Maybe his Lizzie would be asleep in bed with Agnes beside her, waking up to the smell of bacon and freshly brewed coffee. 

His sorted personal past with Nicola had gotten her into this mess. He still remembers the words, the echoed screams, the way the light hit the wall and reflected off the mirror. It was still one of the hardest things Red had to live with, one of the many nightmares that cause him to thrash about in darkness. And he walked away.

 

 

…

 

 

“Pull the trigger Nicola,” he demanded. It was high time. This was taking too long and yet with every passing second he knew it became harder. Nicola stood, shaking, gun in his hand, and tears in his eyes. Red would have to take care of this matter himself. However, there was only one-way Nicola continued and that’s if he pulled that trigger.

Red hadn’t meant for it to come to this. He had tried to contain the wife, warned Nicola of attachments and families. They always made this line of work infinitely harder. Red nonetheless offered him the keys to the castle and gave him a copy of his playbook. Within weeks, Nicola had abused it, the power filling his head like an over inflated balloon. He went behind Red’s back, _as if I didn’t know_ , Red thought. He’d climbed into bed with dangerous and treacherous people, people Red wouldn’t even deal with, all for the sake of greed.

When the wife found out… Red liked Nicola because he had potential. He was bright, quick, extremely determined. Still, somehow, they had ended up in this mess, which just proved how wrong Red was. He didn’t deal with failure well. He should have seen the signs.

“Now, Nicola.” Red tried one more time to coax him into action to no avail. He was a deer in headlights. The wife said nothing, instead sat silently on her knees, eyes cast in judgment and hate. The love in her eyes for the man before her was gone. Instead the look of horror for Frankenstein’s monster replaced it.

 

_That should make it easier_ , Red thought.

 

Just another reason Red never had a significant other in this business. The monsters before this woman could never be erased, he felt sorry for her. She’d seen the horrors they’d committed in the name of business. Though she didn’t know the whole story, her assessment was just. He hated the thing staring back at him in that mirror everyday. 

“Pudrete en el infierno,” the wife hissed. 

Maybe Red should have chosen the wife instead of this spineless fool in front of him. However this situation played out, Nicola was done, he’d make sure of it. Nicola wasn’t cut out for this life. He would never be able to handle the kind of decisions Red had to live with day after day. He should have caught it earlier, before it went this far.

Finally, Red gave up. This was Nicola’s mess. Shaking his head, he resigned himself and turned to leave. Nicola’s eyes broke from his wife’s as he looked to Red. Fear. Red remembers that deep seeded fear. In the moment, Red thought it was fear to pull the trigger, but now Red knows better. He should have seen back then, but it was too late now. His fear formed out of his intelligence. He was afraid of what he would become when he pulled that trigger, fear of becoming as horribly ugly as Red.

Still, Red walked away. He didn’t get five feet before he heard the shot. It was loud, quick, and the next sound was the body hitting the floor. Red continued walking.

 

“Red,” Nicola called. 

“Ray!” Still Red did not turn around. Nicola had shown his true colors and Red wanted nothing to do with him. Killing his family for the greed, the power… Not even Red would have pulled that trigger in his worst days. Nicola was a ticking time bomb and he’d rather not be around when he went off.

 

…

 

“Prepare for landing,” the pilots voice broke over the intercom. Red fastened his seatbelt. He felt anything but prepared.

 

__

 

Liz was transported to a different room. A collar was thrown around her neck. Different was not good. Things were being put in motion. Time was becoming more and more critical. She needed an escape. She needed to save herself. Two guards were posted in this isolated corner. No windows, one door, they were keeping her out of sight. Someone had to be coming, this wasn’t about her after all, this was a trap and she was the bait.

 

“Luz verde, movimiento! Rápido!” A voice screeched over the cheap walkie-talkie. The men turned quickly, dragging Liz with them. She stumbled to get to her feet, her energy still depleted from the torture. Everything hurt, ribs, head, lungs. It hurt to breath and now she was being hurried down the long hallway towards the center building.

“Ponte en posicion,” the walkie-talkie clamored again. They emerged back to the main hall, throwing her haphazardly to her knees. The guards quickly filed out, leaving her alone. She attempted to stand, to run, but a voice came over the loud speaker.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you Elizabeth,” she froze. “While you do look delicious with your new accessory, I’m afraid it’s rather deadly.” The thick metal collar started to itch. She pulled at the rope binding her hands behind her, but it wouldn’t budge.

“Oh would you look at that, finally our audience has arrived.” Liz’s head whipped around to see Red stroll in empty handed.

 

“Lizzie, are you okay?” His words were calm, too calm.

“Not one step closer, Ray. If anyone but me gets within ten feet of her, I’ll activate that nice little collar of hers and she’ll die like the dog she is.” Red froze, his eyes fixed on Lizzie’s. “That’s better.”

“Is Agnes with Tom?” Red asked. 

“Really? Now’s the time you want to talk about this?” Liz was completely dumbfounded.

“Lizzie, I promise, I will get you out of this.” He took one more step, testing the boundaries of the invisible mad man pulling the trigger.

“You should know Lizzie, Ray’s promises are rather empty. Considering I’m the only one with a key to your release.” Patronizing. He wanted to get under Red’s skin. He wanted Red to slip and make a mistake.

“This is between you and me Nicola, let her go.” Red’s head tilted, looking around for the source of the voice.

“You should know this facility is rigged to explode, so when your team of rag tag Robin Hood mercenaries, paid for with blood money, come bursting through, we’ll all die.” He seemed excited by the possibility.

 

_This guy is clinically insane_ , Liz thought.

 

“I don’t have communication with my team to tell them stand down, Nicola. Let her go and face me yourself.” Red paused. His voice grew darker, all the snide playfulness gone. “Or are you still to scared to look me in the eye after what happened in Juárez.”

A gunshot sounded as one of the side doors burst open.

 

“It was _you_ that refused to look at me, Reddington! You left me!” Nicola screamed.

“Her blood is on your hands, my friend, not mine. You made that deal against my explicit warning not to and she found out.” Red pivoted, keeping Lizzie in his sight at all times but addressing the new threat.

“It was you! Pendejo!” With no warning, Calis shot. Red drops to his knees, grasping at wound in his torso. Blood the color of his name stained his hands.

“Raymond!” Lizzie shrieked. She lunged to him, but before she could reach him a loud click reminded her of the metal clasped around her throat.

“Careful now Elizabeth, one more step towards your bleeding boyfriend and a very sharp knife will plunge through your throat.” Calis grabbed Red by his shirt collar and dragged him to a chair in the back of the room. “As for you, Diablo, you get the best seat in the house.”

“Keep applying pressure,” Liz demanded. Reddington’s eyes fell to his wound and the trail of blood he’d left behind. “Raymond, look at me! Stay conscious.” Liz continued pulling at her bindings. She could feel them loosening, the rope burning into her wrists.

“Yes, please Raymond, stay conscious. I wouldn’t want you to miss a single second of what I have planned for you.” Nicola stepped closer to Elizabeth, taking her face in his hands. “How do you do it Red? Such beautiful women, and now, so young. You really are quite the manipulator.”

Liz took the opportunity to headbutt the bastard, catching him off guard.

“Feisty,” Nicola licked the blood from his lip with his long disgusting tongue. He flashed a quick smile before striking a hard body blow. She coughed for air. Her lungs still weak. He hit again. This time on the other side, evening out the pain. Her legs wobbled and gave in, her hair collapsing in like a curtain around her face.

“You always were scum Nicola, no loyalty or principles.” Red desperately tried to distract him with his last weapon, his words.

“You can’t lecture me on morals, Red. Not after the blood on your hands.” He smiled at his own joke, more blood dripping to the floor with every second. 

“I’ve made despicable choices. I have no soul left to save. Look me in the eyes and know that I am ready to die.” That was enough to draw Nicola away from her. She looked awful. He had to keep talking.

 

“I’ve escaped death too many times and certainly my luck has run out. But you Nicola, you are the worst kind of evil. You harm the innocent and kill for pleasure. You honor only yourself and betray anyone when convenient. So come on, don’t hesitate this time, finish what you started and don’t play with your food.”

Red stood, making it look effortless. Elizabeth breathed heavily on the ground, finally slipping free from her restraints. She looked cautiously to Red. She needed some kind of signal, but he was locked in on his target.

 

“The only thing in the world that matters to me is right here. I will not let her die.” Red grasped at Calis’ shirt, leaving a bloody stain over his heart. “I will rip out your beating heart and escort you to hell personally before that happens.”

At first, she thought she had imagined it. Red had somehow lifted the key and slid it in her direction. Within seconds she silently went to work on the metal collar, feeling for the right switches and locks. Blood continued to drip to the floor. He didn’t have much longer before he fell unconscious. She needed to move faster. 

Just as Liz rose, she heard an explosion, followed by screams of commands. Nicola pushed Red off and down to his knees. Nicola pulled his gun and aimed for Red’s forehead. Red’s eyes met Lizzie’s as the rest of the explosives detonated.

 

“Go Lizzie.” It wasn’t a request. It was a command. Instead Liz moved closer to Calis, his back still towards her, all his attention on Reddington. The heat from the explosions and fire grew more intense and her scar started to itch.

“I gave you the choice Ray! Save the one you love by sacrificing yourself. At least I had the _heart_ to give you that choice!” Calis screamed, barely audible over the chaos ensuing around them.

Red didn’t indulge. He had no quips or metaphors. He wasn’t shielded by his words or cloaked in mystery. He was raw and vulnerable, desperate for Lizzie to escape. This wasn’t what he had planned. He couldn’t have seen this coming. 

Liz had never realized how blue his eyes were more than in that moment. The way the fire danced in the reflection of his irises. It brought her back to the day their relationship started. In that moment everything snapped into place. The familiar scent of burning flesh, the exhausting and suffocating heat, those desperate and protective eyes, but it was her turn to do the saving.

She lunged at Calis who turned quickly to fend her off. Red was too weak to fight. He was barely conscious. Liz threw her punches wisely, she was smaller and physically weaker, and so she had to be cunning. Drenched in rage, memories, and desperation, they both fought. One more punch and her ribs would surely snap. Her bruised liver reminded her of her torture with every quick side step. Her weak and battered lungs were filling with smoke, but she couldn’t give up yet. She had no choice. She wasn’t leaving without Red. 

Thrown to the ground beside Red, it was almost over. Calis menacingly towered over her broken body. The flames were licking closer and she could feel the tension of an explosion on the rise. She heard the creak and moan of the building’s structure. Her sign. She lunged for Reddington, cradling him against her chest protectively. Bending her head down away from the burst of flames, she felt his smooth skin against hers. Oh how she missed him, everything about him, and certainly the way he felt against her body. The two fit together like awful mutated pieces from the same distorted singed puzzle.

She heard Calis’ scream and she squeezed her eyes tighter. There was no way out of this one. She relished the feeling of Raymond in her arms, even if he was unconscious. It would only be a few minutes now until the smoke inhalation killed them both, that is, if the flames didn’t burn them to a crisp first. But since they were in the center of the room, they were taking their sweet time. She didn’t want to look, she didn’t want to think or plan, she was completely beaten. At least they were together.

 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered in Red’s ear. “I’m sorry for everything.” She couldn’t help the tears streaming down her cheeks. “I love you,” she kissed his forehead gently. “I love you.” Her words were simple and gentle and yet they meant everything.

 

“RAYMOND!” a far away voice called. 

“KEEN!” A second voice echoed.

She thought she imagined it. Just like the key. Just like this whole day. But Dembe and Ressler barreled through the flames to find the pair wrapped in each other’s arms, Liz’s back protecting him from the flames. Within minutes, Liz was in Ressler’s arms being carried out of the collapsing building.

 

“Is he breathing? Is he breathing? Someone check if he’s breathing!” Liz wanted to fight and squirm, refusing to be pulled away from Red. The gun shot, the smoke, the blood, it wasn’t fair, and she was going to make it out of this fire without him. Without him. A world without Raymond Red Reddington. She cried.

 

 

__

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S.
> 
> As much as I love angst and I think it's important, I need some good old fashioned Lizzington reunion! So I'm going to take my time with the next chapter and really try to get all my hiatus feels out.


	10. The Moon Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hospital beds and clean endings wrapped up nicely with a big red bow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'd like to start off by saying thank you so much to anyone who's been reading this. Usually I scribble just to keep my overactive imagination sane, but sharing with others has brought a new aspect to the process that I enjoy so much more. I really love seeing the comments and discussing characters and plot with people so thanks for that. 
> 
> While this is the last chapter for this story (well last PLANNED chapter maybe I'll keep updating it), I'm hoping to keep writing some more during the hiatus, but I'm preparing to move to Paris for a few months so updating will probably be slower. 
> 
> If you're one of those people who likes to listen to music while they read (like me), I listened to very specific soundtrack for this last chapter. It's the soundtrack to the movie Her. It's not sold anywhere and can't be found on iTunes or Spotify, but it's on youtube and it's scored by Arcade Fire. The Moon Song and Milk & Honey I would highly recommend, but the whole soundtrack is utterly and soul crushingly beautiful. I can just imagine Red listening to it on a beach somewhere on a star filled night. But a hospital bed will have to do or wooden bench will have to do.
> 
> Anyway, thanks again! Cheers xx

 

__

 

“End of story,” she hissed as she pressed the end button.

She missed the days of flip phones, dramatically slamming the lid shut to solidify the anger at the end of a call. Everyone around you would know how that talk went. Unfortunately today, it was usually her waiting for the screen to pop back up and attempting to press the red button multiple times until it registered her touch and _finally_ ended the call. Elizabeth sighed, nothing much was easy nowadays, though maybe it wasn’t the world that was changing but her.

Tom’s name finally disappeared from her screen as she took up her regular seat next to Red’s hospital bed. Well, hospital bed minus the hospital. Reddington was still unconscious. His medical team assured her he was stable and it was only a matter of time before he opened his eyes. Everyone had come around to check on him and Liz hadn’t left his side except to get Agnes back from Tom. Mr. Kaplan had created a nice place for the child to sleep and play next to Red’s bed so they could all be together.

 

“Fire has never been a match for Raymond. He’ll recover.”

That was the only time Dembe had spoke of his condition, or of that night. He was around just as much as Elizabeth, watching over his friend and keeping Lizzie and Aggie company. He was glad to have them back. He felt as if he hadn’t seen Agnes in ages and she was already three times bigger. They still played just as well though, but this time with bigger toys. 

Liz stayed stationary in the chair right next to Raymond’s bed, holding his limp hand, brushing his knuckles rhythmically with the pad of her thumb. Watching Dembe and Agnes made her smile, but she still couldn’t shake the dark cloud over her head until Red was officially awake. The doctors couldn’t account for the amount of brain damage that could have been done from the loss of blood or smoke inhalation. There were so many factors still up in the air and all Liz could do was sit and wait.

_At least Tom is taken care of_ , she thought. He’d alerted Liz that he was going into deep cover in some third-world Asian country. It was better if she didn’t know. Scottie trusted him with some of her biggest clients and he was excited to put his specific skill set to some form of good. Liz couldn’t help but wonder if he was being used, like Berlin and Russia, but decided she couldn’t control everything. Tom was a big boy and though he often flip-flopped between personalities and ambitions, he always landed on his feet. He may never be the stable father figure in Agnes life, but he would always be there if she needed him. And that was good enough. She’d always have Red. She’d always have Dembe. She’d always have Ressler and Cooper and Samar and Aram. Her family. Aggie’s family.

Liz marveled at the interesting assortment of characters that had formed the pieces of her life. Her thoughts drifted to Sam, her real family for all intents and purposes. She wished he could be here now to meet his granddaughter or to offer some words of wisdom into the complexity of her newfound life with Raymond Reddington.

_Would he still want a life together?_ Liz tried to banish the thought. She couldn’t fall into that rabbit hole. Whatever he wanted, Liz would respect it, and still love him unconditionally. She just needed him to wake up, to see into his eyes. When she looks into his eyes for the first time she’ll have her answers.

His burns were minimal. Liz’s however, were not. Her back was still wrapped from where the flames had licked and scalded as they attempted to reach Red. She wondered if that’s how he got the burns on his back, from a similar defensive position. She tucked the idea in the back of her mind, planning to ask one of these days.

 

“Are you hungry Elizabeth? You haven’t eaten all day. I can go get us some food.” Dembe stood, pulling Agnes up with him. It took her a second to think of a response, to register the pang of hunger in the gut, the slight headache gnawing at the back of her skull, and the weakness of her muscles.

“Sure,” Liz had to clear her throat, her lungs still on recovery. “Yes, whatever you’re in the mood for. It’s time for Agnes to eat too.” Dembe extended the child to her. Agnes’ big blue eyes watched her carefully as she fed her, quiet, as if she could sense that something was wrong. That today was not a day for play. 

…

 

This time the fire couldn’t touch her. This time it kept her safe. The world faded out and the smoke surrounded them in a cocoon of grey. Red’s forehead was pressed firmly to her chest, her hands wrapped around him, bracing for the inevitable explosion she knew would come next. Time slowed and Donald’s voice called not once, not twice, but three times, eventually fading into the background. The heat lowered and her back no longer itched. She could feel Red’s eyelashes flutter against her collarbone as he stirred to consciousness. His eyes were still that brilliant blue she remembered so well, reflecting the smoke and flames dancing at a safe distance around them. Guarding them. Liz’s tears fell against his hair as he climbed up to kiss them away.

 

“Shh,” he cooed. His lips danced across her cheeks and up to her eyes. To the bridge of her nose, smothering her cries.

The fire danced and played around them, friendly and safe. This was their new beginning and Liz never wanted to wake up. Red’s arms embraced her tightly as she snuggled tighter into his chest as if they were back in her bed, back in their bed. She could feel his fingers tracing the new scars on her back. They tickled the old one on her wrist and kissed it softly. Their story was written in the scars on their bodies, the words of memories and promises bared for the world to see. It was their promise to keep each other safe. To go through hell and back to be with one another, walking through the flames. She could see it in his eyes again, the fire of promise, of love.

 

“Lizzie,” Red’s voice was hoarse and felt very distant. She fought hard to keep the dream alive and gripped him tighter. She heard her name in her ear once more, this time on the verge of a plea. His fingertips traced her up arm and it felt so real. Slowly he started to disappear, leaving nothing for her to hold onto but a dark cloud of smoke and piercing blue eyes reflecting back dancing flames. She cried again, deep sobs that wrecked her chest and strained her healing lungs.

“Lizzie, it’s alright. Wake up sweetheart,” Red’s voice was close again. She could feel lips in her hair and the same rhythmic caressing on her upper arm. When she opened her eyes she found herself laying next to Red in his hospital bed, her chair abandoned. The only light was that of the emergency lights outside the makeshift door and Agnes’s night light above her crib.

She couldn’t remember how she’d gotten up here or when she had fallen asleep. She hadn’t really slept in days and certainly not deep enough for a dream so vivid. But now she was in his arms with wet tears smeared on her face, tucked up against. She was home. An ear splitting grin filled her face as she looked up into his eyes. She knew. That was the look she needed. The fire was still locked behind them and his loved burned brightly within. They were going to be just fine. 

But then she remembered his injuries and where they were in the first place.

 

“Crap, Red!” She leapt up and untangled herself from his warm embrace. “Your ribs and your burns. Am I hurting you?” She remembered the squeezing from the dream, how she’d fought to hold on, that had to have reinjured his ribs. 

“That’s the best kind of pain I’ve ever experienced,” he pulled her back down into his arms. The two fit back together like the broken misshapen puzzle pieces they were.

She couldn’t speak, she couldn’t think of the words to say. All she needed was to feel him and remember that look in his eyes. She needed to remember it until the day she died.

 

“You’re crying,” he coughed. “And you’re bandaged. What happened? How long have I been unconscious? Where’s Agnes? Dembe? Nicola?” His questions poured out in a panic.

“Everything’s fine. We’re all fine and we’re all here. I’m just…” she sucked up her tears and set her jaw. “I’m just so glad you’re okay.”

 _

  

A week later they decided to return home, leaving the makeshift hospital safe house behind. The doctor required that he be under close watch, which Dembe and Lizzie readily agreed to. He was walking on his own again and recovering his full range of motion. His heart was getting stronger everyday and so far there was no real signs of brain damage. He had lady luck on his side. 

It was back to those first few weeks when they’d first gotten together. Liz took time off from the Post Office to recover and Reddington resigned his important business matters to Dembe and the team for the time being. They hid away from the world reestablishing their bond and memories. They cooked together and took Aggie to the park, watched movies and read books in bed. They took long hot baths together and dove into stories of each other’s past. They wanted to know everything. Liz recounted stories from The Academy and memories of Sam from her late childhood. She explored the world through Red’s eyes in his extremely detailed and fantastical stories. He opened up about his time in the military and memories from his own childhood. They laughed together. They cried together. They remembered their loved ones and times before. They worshipped Agnes and each other. They fought and made up. They made new memories. They promised to explore the world together and to give Agnes the childhood she so deserved.

One night after dinner, Red led Liz through their backyard and to the old rickety porch swing he’d salvaged from her childhood home. Red sat on the wooden swing, tilting his hat back and undoing the top buttons of his shirt. Liz stretched out on the rest of the bench, placing her head on lap to look directly up at the stars. They swung back and forth in silence for a little while, just enjoying each other’s company. Red’s fingers tickled up and down her forearm while his feet kicked the ground to keep their steady rhythm. It was as if the moon was singing them a song and the wind swayed in her command. 

 

“You know our lives will never be normal Lizzie.” Red looked down at her with a grave expression.

“Normal is overrated,” Liz pulled his hand up to her mouth and kissed his knuckles with a smile.

“It will be dangerous and full of adventure, but I don’t think anyone could convince you to live any other way. It’s where you thrive.” Liz just smiled. He was right.

Tom had tried to convince her to leave the Task Force when the whole thing started and she grew to resent him for it. No matter how many times she told herself that normal is what she needed, she always found her way back to the Task Force and to The Concierge of Crime. She knew Agnes would understand, after all, she was her daughter. The call to action was in her blood. She would be raised with more love than she could fathom and be as safe as possible under Liz and Red’s watchful eyes. It may not be conventional but they’d make it work. Just as Liz started to close her eyes and relax, Reddington stood up.

 

“Where are you going?” Liz lifted her head and sat upright, the swing slowly came to a halt. Raymond stood before her and removed his hat, clasping it in one hand. He slowly bent down to one knee and removed a dark velvet box from his pocket. 

“Lizzie, I’d like the privilege of being apart of your life forever.” She couldn’t focus on anything other than the same fire behind his eyes. Though the gorgeous ring in his hand began to draw her attention. “Elizabeth, will you marry me?”

She stopped the swing and sat up straight. She gave the ring a good look and finally landed back on his eyes. That look was all she needed. It had all the answers.

 

“Yes,” she whispered. 

He didn’t know what to do. He hadn’t really accounted for a yes so quickly. He had prepared a number of arguments for how he’d be able to keep Agnes safe and help raise her. How he’d go back to the Task Force to work by side. He’d planned to talk about expenses and houses and trips. He’d prepared his thoughts on Tom’s involvement and was willing to concede anything if she’d _just say yes_. But here she was with no discussion, no arguments. For once she didn’t challenge him, even though he’d come to love it so much. And yet somehow she managed to throw him off and keep him on his toes. A simple yes was the one thing he hadn’t planned for _._

He stood and took her hand, slipping the ring snuggly onto her finger. He kissed her knuckles and trailed kisses up her arm, shoulder, neck and finally land on her lips.

 

“Yes?” He questioned. He kissed her vigorously.

“Yes,” she repeated between breaths. His hat dropped to the ground and he swept her in his arms. Shaking his head, he carried her back inside to the bedroom.

“You never cease to amaze me, Lizzie.” He removed everything on her body except for the ring. He kept that hand close at all times, just to remember how real this moment was.

Yes, was the word of the night. She cried out her declaration until finally they fell, exhausted, into their pillows, wrapped in each other’s limbs. Stray blankets and sheets littered the floor along with their clothes and hesitation.

 

“Nights like these are part of the deal right?” Liz whispered into his ear. Her thumb played with the new piece of jewelry donning her finger. Red laughed wholeheartedly and pulled her tighter to him.

“You shouldn’t tease me or you won’t be walking in the morning,” he growled hungrily. Liz pulled at his lip with her teeth and the two disappeared in a sea of blankets, beckoning never to return for air.

 

__

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I need a bit of Lizzington in my life over this hiatus but I'm not much of a fan fic writer so go easy


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